Sunday, December 29, 2013

LinZi and the no good very bad...

day week  month year couple of years.

I'm feeling a little like Alexander today. I am having a case of the grouchies. And a case of the half empties. And I just feeling like getting it all out! So here it goes.

I have the nicest little dog. He is sweet and lovable, and quirky, and sometimes scares guests, but I love him all the same. And then he got cancer. And it is in a place they can't really do surgery. So they put him on chemo. Which worked for a year. Then that stopped working and his tumor started growing so they put him on a different chemo. And that made his tummy hurt sometimes . And I HATE when my little dog's tummy hurts or he feels bad at all. So it involved a lot of adjustment of medication. Now he is feeling kinda better but his tumor is still getting bigger. And I hate cancer and it is expensive and it's stupid and I don't like it. He has to go visit his doggie oncologist every couple of months and get lots of labs done too.  I love my little dog and I am glad he is here but it is stressful and nobody seems to know how to give him his medicine right but me so if someone else has to take care of him I worry and then I HATE having to leave him. It makes me grouchy. It makes me stressed and I love him and I can't imagine life without my little dog but I see his tumor getting bigger everyday and it makes me so mad. But there is no one to be mad at.

I have lived in Portland for a year now. I work a lot of hours and it is stressful. I have a "grown-up" job now but I don't feel like a grown-up. I have only made a tiny handful of friends in Portland but I am normally a very fun-loving person who likes to be very social, so I often find things to be terribly boring, lonely, no good and very bad. I think I'll move to Korea!

I had to work on Christmas and so I had a terrible no good lonely-boring Christmas.  I also don't feel like my finances are any better than when I was poor and underemployed. I keep having lots and lots of bills. They make me so grumpy and they are hard to keep track of and then there are dog medical bills and human medical bills and GIGANTIC student loans and I feel like I will just be poor forever. Which is no good and very bad.

When I started nursing school I thought it would be the best career for me and I love it except half way through nursing school I got an autoimmune disorder that randomly makes me get super tired and the biggest trigger for autoimmune disorders are "STRESS" and how can I avoid stress and I am mad at my no good very bad body for being dumb and attacking itself randomly. Which makes me think if only I had a very good excellent crystal ball than I would have known to choose a calm quiet desk job somewhere I had a no good very bad opaque crystal ball.

My car is almost ten years old. It keeps breaking down and I can't afford to keep fix it. Last night it broke down on the way home and I had to get it towed and now I don't have a car until probably Tuesday and I have to take a taxi to work which costs money and I'm POOR and I also walked home today and it was raining and icy and I stepped in so many puddles and my feet got all wet.

I am supposed to go visit my friend for New Years and if I can't I might feel like I am having a terrible no good very bad New Years, but I hope not. I need to buy a new car but since I am poor and have no savings I don't know how I am going to manage that one.

1 comment:

Andrea M. said...


I just rediscovered your blog after a long time. I used to post on the IndianTies message board and on Sepia Mutiny and remember you from there! So, hello, after a long time and I hope things are going better for you now!