india, dirty socks, and meatless beef

Being Othered

2011-07-31T09:17:00.001-04:00

I wrote the following as a comment to the blog post "On Being Othered in an Elevator" at Sepia Mutiny, and wanted to share my response here as well. I think this is a very important topic that needs to be considered and discussed more.

I grew up in Maine. No one that I encountered on a regular basis was anything but white. In elementary school I had a few friends who may not have been white, but actually I have no idea where their families were from, and I didn't label them by race at that age. I grew up never once discussing anything related to appearance with someone who wasn't white. I moved to the city to go to college. At some point I started dating a guy. His family was from India. He grew up in the U.S. When we first started dating, we were holding hands, our hands laced together, and he mentioned the cover for the film Jungle Fever. I didn't know what he was talking about, so he said "The cover shows a White woman's hand and Black guy's hand, with fingered interlaced-- just like us." My response? Relaxed and comfortable I said "But you're not black, you're brown!"

At that moment, my cheeks began to burn. I wondered in my head "Did I just say something terrible? Something stupid? Something ignorant? Did I insult him terribly?" It was the first time I mentioned skin tone when talking to a non-white person. Growing up, we would discuss our skin tone among friends-- who was darker, who tanned easily, who burned, who had freckles, my many "Croatian" moles. Among my white friends, I had the darkest skin. I liked my skin. I was proud of it's olive tone. Growing up, we could discuss these things. It was not awkward, or worrisome about insult. It was just discussions-- like about how to perk up my very straight hair, or calm down my friends curly hair.

I don't remember how my boyfriend at the time responded to my comment- except that he didn't get upset or offended. I remembered thinking "Oh my God. I must sound so stupid and awkward." I remember being relieved that I hadn't made him upset in my observation on his skin tone (which was what it was meant to be-- but also sounded like a pronouncement of which "category" he should identify himself as). I also remember this as a symbol of how awkward I was at 21. How much my world has changed since then.

When "Possibly" says that people don't need to mention race or skin color at all-- that we should be blinded by equality, I absolutely disagree. Why? Because it's not how we normally act. I know I grew up comparing skin tones, talking about hair types and our appearances with my friends-- not in a who's better way-- just chatting, comparing, etc. I have no doubt that other children, regardless of race, also grew up doing this.

Saying "I don't see race" doesn't make us more equal. Saying "I don't see race." makes us ignore that racism and discrimination still exist. It also makes people like my 21 year old self afraid to make innocent (and yes, awkward) comments with someone she feels close to-- I still remember the feeling of panic: "Did I say something terrible?". I think that as humans we all naturally want to look and compare-- not to decide who is better, but to become comfortable in ourselves, to learn how our body is unique, maybe to complain a bit-- or come to terms with some part of our self that used to bother us. And let's face it-- friends of mixed backgrounds shouldn't have to live in fear of saying something related to skin tone might be The End of friendship-- because mentioning these things is equated with being a racist.

On the other hand-- I agree with Anna that this woman was inappropriate. This woman was not her friend. Not even an acquaintance. Anyone randomly and awkwardly calling your skin "interesting" on an elevator is awkward and bizarre-- but even more so if, as a minority, you have being "othered" based on your appearance growing up. It reminds you that people might see you as different, strange-- rather than how they see some other (white?) stranger in the same elevator.

I experienced this feeling for a tiny period of time when I was in high school. I grew up in Maine (as I said before) and while basically everyone was white, there were variations in hair color, skin tone, eye color, etc. People had different backgrounds and religions. As someone with very dark brown hair, brown eyes, and olive skin, I didn't feel too weird (though I always got the impression that I was seen as "ethnic" in my majority irish/french catholic high school). But during one summer I was a counselor in training (CIT) at a summer camp in Virginia. I went with a friend who had gone there before.

I remember feeling awkward upon arrival. Practically everyone I met was blonde with blue eyes. People would stare at me. I felt othered-- I felt like a strange zoo specimen rather than just another CIT. To add to this-- random people I did not know would come up to me asking:

"Where are you from?" "Maine" "No, what country?" "uhhhh, the U.S.?"

"Are you French?" "No?" "Where is your accent from? Are you from Europe?" "I'm from Maine. The State." "Oh. You sound French. And you look French too. You're not French?" (confused look).

"Are you Filipino?" "No." "Oh, I just thought you were-- because Filipino people have dark dark hair and light skin-- like you." "Really? No I'm not. I'm from Maine." (I was under the impression that Filipino people were generally Asian looking). "But like, what country?" "Um, part of my family is from Croatia. My great-grandparents?"

I remember being miserable that summer. I felt very lonely. I didn't make any friends at camp. If one person had made a comment like that, it probably wouldn't have bothered me. In fact, the words they were saying themselves were not really insulting or upsetting. Sometimes I thought it was amusing. It was more the FEELING it created. The feeling of "other"ness-- the message "You don't belong here." Those comments were part of it-- but also with that was the way I was treated (or ignored). It was part of larger behavior-- behavior in which people didn't want to get to know me-- but were marginally interested in my differences.

The difference between my short stint at summer camp in Virginia and Anna's story is that I "escaped" after camp was over. I returned to Maine, were my origin was not subject to constant scrutiny. I had a place where I felt "regular"-- where I felt like a normal person doing normal stuff. I can't imagine the frustration and angst one must feel-- having this feeling of other thrust upon them for most (all?) of their life. My two weeks of being an "other" are an unpleasant memory-- but I feel like I can avoid being in such a situation again. I can imagine how frustrating it could be to have to face this every day.

Miscellany

2010-12-31T03:30:00.012-05:00

Hello! I, alas, have not been posting everyday, but I have been taking pictures. This post will include various exciting and thrilling pictures from Delhi, in no particular order.

drum roll please....

Anoushka- the dirty dorm dog (stray) has taken a liking to me, much to Vivek's dismay (I named her, of course). She likes a good tummy rub, but I try to avoid the touching part... foot-tummy-rubs are loved as well.
Additional cuteness. Anybody want to adopt a young, cute, friendly dog? She is already spayed! :P
My sister could not believe that milk comes in plastic bags. So I got some photographic evidence, for her viewing pleasure.
I was shocked (and thrilled!) to discover that there is now offically a Cinnabon in Saket City Walk Mall in South Delhi. I know now that my mom can survive in India! :P I enjoyed a tastey cinnabon, and they do indeed taste just the same. Yum yum.
I enjoy talking pictures of subway signs from around the world. Here are some lovelies from the Delhi metro, which we have used a lot lately. It can be a bit crowded but is very nice. Many more lines are open then when I was last here.
We were able to go to the Delhi Book fair. Many different publishers and book sellers from around Delhi were there selling their wares.. I was able to get some fun books for myself and found a few Urdu storybooks for some of my kids.
दिल्ली पुस्तक मेला - Self explanatory... :P

Today I kheenched this picture of one of the many political posters adorning the J.N.U. campus.

Lastly, here is a video of Delhi traffic.. I thought it would be fun for those who have not been to India to get an idea of what it is like.

That's all for now--- more to come!

December 26, 2010 Bucket Shower

2010-12-26T01:11:00.004-05:00

My old friend the bucket shower.

Ingredients:
Person needing shower
bucket
mug
hopefully hot water from geyser (pronounced gee-zer in India)
soap
shampoo

Directions:
Take mug, pour water over head. Wash. Repeat. Feel refreshed.

December 25, 2010- Christmas Day

2010-12-26T00:56:00.007-05:00

Christmas was a very special day so I figured it deserved it's own post. Yesterday was a great day-- I got to see many friends and we all got to enjoy the day together. In India Christmas is a government holiday, so many people had the day off to enjoy. Vivek and I got together with our friends Manish, Sakshi, Mona, Shawshwat, Anand, Amrindra, Manjul, Sarfaraz, Nusrat and Jaya. During the day we went out to Qutab Minar-- which was bhird hi bhrid (crowded as crowded can be!). We also found another smaller archaeological site that was free and quiet and very interesting. I have been to Qutab Minar before but going as a group entailed many pictures. After we can back to campus and enjoyed dinner and a small party together. Here are some select pictures from the day:

A little boy dressed as Santa gives out candy at Qutab Minar.

Anand takes a group shot.

I think Vivek must have taken this shot (?) at Qutab Minar.
Vivek will probably kill me, but this picture of him dancing cracks me up.

Photo Blog-- Since December 22, 2010

2010-12-26T00:15:00.007-05:00

December 22, 2010

Vivek and I see each other after five months. (Jet lag?)

December 23, 2010

Kaveri Hostel- J.N.U. I know this picture is a bit blurry, but I love how this scene in the middle of Kaveri Hostel (Vivek's dorm) is so familiar now to me. I feel like J.N.U. is my second home.

Transportation-- A Blue Line Bus (the "Killer" buses in Delhi responsible for many deaths due to insane driving-- they are supposed to be phased out as the new Green non-AC and Red AC buses are phased-in along with the Metro (subway) in Delhi (new, fancy, and a bit crowded). A JNU student on a bike passes in front. Bikes are probably the most common form of transportation on campus and around India.

December 24, 2010 (Christmas eve)

New Payel (anklets)- a Christmas present from Vivek-- picked out with help from our friends Nusrat and Sarfaraz (to go with the black sari and bangles Vivek also picked out for me-- blouse in progress, so I don't have it yet!)

Me being a dork-face (as usual). This is Manjul-- Vivek's best friend, and we three enjoyed a lovely dinner together in CP. CP is going through some major renovations these days. Here we stand in front of the "Metro Station" sign for the newish Delhi subway system.

Just arrived in Delhi

2010-12-23T03:06:00.003-05:00

Hello All,

I just arrived in Delhi the night before last. The trip itself was quite interesting. Just before I left Boston, a huge snow/ice storm hit Europe causing many delays. The morning of my flight I called Lufthansa (I flew on Lufthansa with an intended route of Boston-Frankfurt-Delhi) and the person I spoke with said up until that point, my flight was on time. I boarded my flight for Frankfurt (and was very luckily bumped to Business class! Lucky me!) and settled in, some falling asleep. Later I was woken by a flight attendant who informed me that we were going to land-- in Munich! Confused and half asleep, the kind flight attendant laughingly explained that Frankfurt was again closed due to ice and there was no other place for us to land. Soon we landed in Munich-- but being one of the only airports open there was no gate for us to park at, so we went out near the Lufthansa Cargo terminal and sat there. I fell back asleep, and a couple of hours later we took off again because Frankfurt reopened. Luckily, my second flight was much later in the day, so I still arrived in Frankfurt with plenty of time to get to my flight to Delhi. All in all, it wasn't too bad.

As we approached Delhi I got more and more excited. Sitting next to me was a very nice German woman on her first trip to India. Since I do not speak German, she gracious spoke in English (which was not a language she used often) but we were able to have some nice conversations. I also very much enjoyed Lufthansa-- which had friendly, helpful flight attendants and gate agents. A far cry from Air France! I also learned some new German words such as "Anschlussflüge" which means "arriving flight" (very useful, no?)and "guten appetit" (guess?). German is an interesting language and I enjoyed listening to it during my trip. I also enjoyed some pretty decent vegetarian airplane food-- especially in business class.

I arrived in Delhi about 1:30, and Vivek was ready to meet me. I was so happy to see him after all this time! We returned back to his dorm-- which now feels like home since I have spent so much time here. I am already feeling quite settled in and happy. The weather is very nice, sunny and warmish during the day and cooler at night. So far the food situation is going well, and I have gotten to see some of my friends. Hopefully will be seeing more soon.

I have planned on doing a picture a day type blog for this trip, but sadly I can't locate my camera right now.. I'm sure it's here somewhere, but Vivek is off at the barber getting a shave and I couldn't find it on my own, so it will have to wait for now.

A New Blog

2010-06-04T23:37:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone, I know it has been a crazy long-time since I posted a blog here. Grad school has been a bit time-consuming. I just wanted to let people who may be interested know I have started a new blog in addition to this one. This blog will remain my personal blog, but the other will be focused on compassion, non-profits, and such.

If that sounds interesting to you, please check it out here: The Medicine of Altruism

Storm!

2010-03-02T14:27:00.011-05:00

We had a pretty big storm up here in New England this past weekend. There were wind warning, coastal and areal flood warning, severe weather warnings and the like. We didn't have electricity for 3 days, so my sister and I spent some time driving around and seeing what was going on in the area. There were tons of trees down, knocking out power lines and hanging precariously over roadways. Many were blocked. The most surprising was the flooding though. We crossed one river in the area and saw the following:

We also saw some flooded roads, like this one:

And being horribly bored and without power, my sister and I entertained ourselves at the local outlets (which somehow had electricity before the homes, of course!)

Frumpy Dress of Doom:

Everyone needs a pair of camoflage, fleece-lined crocs, right? RIGHT?

We went back two days later (still without electricity) and saw that at least this families house was no longer under water:

You'll notice that their barbecue was actually on a deck!

Icky Sicky

2010-02-21T12:31:00.002-05:00

Seems like everytime I go to India I get to experience a new and exciting ;) illness. This time, I got a normal cold right before I left. While there I drank some bad water (the fault was all mine!) and I was REALLY sick for a few days. Thanks to some lovely medicine I got better pretty quick, but I was quite weak for a while after that. It was weird, I had not really experienced the weakness of 'I feel fine until I try to walk up some stairs and then I feel like I might pass out'. Certainly a new experience. Well I recovered pretty nicely from that, but then on my long flight (a whole other story) home I started to get this strange itchy spot on my skin. By the time I got home it was a giant and horrible red raised circle and painful too!! I went to the doctor and found out I had cellulitis, which is an infection of the subcutaneous layer of your skin. Ew!

After getting on antibiotics again, I started my first semester of my nursing graduate program, which is very busy but going well so far. The cellulitis infection took some time to go away, and longer to heal. Now it has been a month and it was just about healed, when.... I got another one in a different spot. Ack. So here I am again, and wondering why I keep getting so lucky (haha). This time it is even more painful and also causing some low-grade fevers. fun fun.

My theory is that my immune system was weakened from the other two things I had, so it just is not in good shape right now. And I have the stress of grad school on top of it. Ah well, at least I get to learn about new diseases all the time for nursing! ;)

Spilling the Beans

2009-12-18T10:15:00.002-05:00

OK, so awhile back I told you I had a few more things to tell you about what's going in my life. I was waiting for everything to get planned out and all set, so here it is:

I am happy to announce that I was accepted into the direct entry masters in nursing program that I applied for this summer. I am really excited and have been running around trying to get all the requirements done in time-- buying my scrub uniform, taking a cpr class, and so forth. It starts at the end of January, and it will be a two year program.

So in two years, I will finally have a career for myself. I am also really excited about the Clinical Nurse Leader aspect of the program, as I will be able to utilize my MA in cultural anthropology to help improve care in the U.S. I am also really looking forward to using this expertise in India as well, and I do certainly plan on going back to India and I can combine my studies of child rights, education, etc with the field of medicine.

Another exciting piece of news-- I have planned a 20 day trip to go visit Vivek in Delhi before the program starts. Right after Christmas I'll be headed out. I really can't wait. Not only will I get to see and spend some more good quality time with Vivek before my academic program becomes crazy busy (the first semester will be 19 credits!) but I will also get to see my friends that I have not seen in over a year.

Anyways, that's all for now. I'm pretty excited for both of these events!

Saba's Tutor Update!

2009-12-11T01:24:00.005-05:00

I finally got the update on what was purchased for Saba in addition to her tutor, through the generous donations of many of you... :)

Here is what she and her family received:

8 8 months Pvt.Tuitions for the child(grade-II)
1 School Uniform for the child
1 School Shoes for the child
1 School Bag for the child
32 24 Exercise Copies,7 Pens,1 candy for the child
1 Emergency Light
1 Pedestal Fan
2 2.5 kgs of Rice
1 Transport Cost

I will get a letter from Saba soon in the mail, but the Children International people were nice enough to forward me the photos and information electronically beforehand.

LinZi Update: Life and Stuff

2009-11-12T00:21:00.002-05:00

Hello hello,

I know, I know. Again it has been forever since I wrote anything. But I have been a very busy lady!

Some updates on my life: So in the past year, I have worked five jobs... first (desperate and unemployed) I got a job as a hostess at a very unfriendly-styled managed Mexican restaurant. This being a stressful, low paying, and underemployed option, I decided to add in an internship at Barakat, a non-profit working out of Cambridge. That was pretty cool, but since it didn't pay and the other job didn't really give me work, I had to give it up. THEN I starting working at a local day care, which was enjoyable, but tiring. I have recently gotten hired for a much better paying job with full-time hours. Yay! I applied for this job last December, and was on the waiting list for a loooong time. Now, of course, that I have this job, I have already applied for the Masters Nursing program that I have been dreaming out... hooray. (More on that soon).

SO right now, I am quite busy. Working my full time jobby job, taking my last nursing requirement course, and also working part time at a library... so if any of you wonder why you haven't seen or heard from me lately... well, there it is.. business abound.

I am not complaining though. Time is going by fast, and soon enough, I will be able to visit my lovely Vivek again soon. He has plans of his own in motion.

In other news, my lovely dog Murray is trying some new meds. He has had urinary incontinence since I adopted him and has to wear a specially (hand)made doggy wrap in doors, but recently the vet suggested some meds to try, which could help. Now, I have only had them on the meds for one day, so we will see how it goes. I am excited to see, as I am sure Murray would love to run free and naked indoors and out, as a dog should be.

Let's see? What else for today. Still waiting for an news from my sponsored child Saba, so when I get an update on her, I will be sure to add the details for all you people who graciously donated to her tutor fund! :)

I guess my post was very list-y today, but hopefully there will be more posts soon with news about nursing!

A Tutor for Saba: UPDATE

2009-09-10T17:58:00.000-04:00

Thanks to many generous donations, the amount needed was earned for Saba. $50 will go towards her tutor and any other education needs, and the remaining $50 will be for anything her family needs.

Thanks so much to everyone who contributed. The money will reach CI at the end of the month, and when I get pictures and a letter I will make sure to post updates.

A tutor for Saba

2009-08-02T16:45:00.003-04:00

Saba is a little 10 year old girl I sponsor through Children International who lives near Kolkatta, India. I have been sponsoring her since 2006. She enjoys studying languages at school, drawing and playing outside.

Saba started school late and therefore is in need of a tutor. She is currently in 2nd grade and needs some extra help with her writing skills especially, as she is behind compared to other children her age. She dreams of being a doctor someday.

A tutor for the year costs $26 in India, but since it is a special needs gift, a minimum of $100 is required. The rest of that money will be used for other things the family needs.

Due to the economic issues in the U.S. I have been struggling to pay for my two sponsored children's monthly sponsorship costs. While I could afford $26 for her tutor, I cannot currently make a $100 contribution on my own to help her with her education. If anyone would be willing to contribute to this fund, it will give Saba a chance for a tutor as well as other benefits for her family so she can be closer to her goal of becoming a doctor. :)

If you would like to contribute, please follow the link here: Help Saba get a Tutor

Any amount will help!

Found!

2009-07-21T23:09:00.000-04:00

Aman is found and is safely home with family! Hooray

I Miss India

2009-06-13T15:14:00.004-04:00

I miss India
The swoosh of cars, honk honking
dogs barking,
birds tweeting in the flutter leaves of the tree outside my window
it's big orange blossoming blooming in the sunshine
while the kawa hops down on my porch banister hoping I'll give him a scrap.

I miss India
The smell of dinner, spicy and hot dripping like oil from the windows of flats I pass
Mixed with earth, rain,
and a compost heap on the side of the road

I miss India
the laughter of friends sipping milky-sweet chai at a dabbha,
slapping at the macchar biting my ankles
sweat making my kurta cling to my back, as we laugh and enjoy the simplicity of eating with friends

I miss India
the breeze in my face taking an auto-rickshaw
the icy blast of air from an air conditioned music store, music so loud my head is buzzing
I always complained but it is nice to get TOO cold while watching a three hour Bollywood movie.

I miss India
The smile on your face as you hand me a reused Bisleri bottle filled with cold water from the cooler by the mess, beads of condensation dripping as I pour it into my mouth, India style, splashing down my chin, making you laugh, like always.

I miss India
the big white cows with the hump on their backs
glaring at me with their innocent eyes as I wait for you to buy the cigarette I am trying to encourage you not to smoke, and saying I don't like the smell, i miss that smell

I miss India,
The buses trundling past, with all their destinations in Hindi. I can never read them fast enough to know... is this the right bus? so I only get on when I am with you

I miss India,
staying up late watching movies with the philosopher and a strong woman, the air cooler blowing a humid but relieving breeze,
Enjoying the cooking at your family home.. such good daal, followed by a night time walk in the damp grass with two mischievous dogs,
riding three people on your new bike, laughing at the stares of people, seeing us crammed together, backpacks in all directions,and being driven by a girl, no less ;)

I miss India
How the merchants in the bazaar were fooled by my salwar suit (for once!) and for you we had a normal day shopping, unless I opened my mouth, my Hindi infused with an obvious American accent

I miss India
laying there, watching the fan revolve lazily, turned down so we can hear the parallel cinema film we are watching together, thinking of our plans for tomorrow, next week, next year... our world.

Striving for Positivity

2009-06-12T19:31:00.002-04:00

Awhile ago I read this Buddhist philosophy that one must accept suffering. Not in that we need to be resigned to the suffering and give up, (especially of others)but rather just accept that no matter what we do, living involves some suffering... No matter how hard we try, we might get sick, or lose a job, or have a hard time financially... it is bound to happen as part of life. Once you can accept that suffering is going to happen at some time, then you don't need to dwell on it.

I really like this idea, especially as someone who is going through a hard time. I have found that the more I remind myself of that, the easier it is to see through the difficulties, and be able to concentrate on the positives that are happening in life. I have been working really hard to try to incorporate this mind-set into my life.

But seeing as how there is a lot of stuff in my life that is difficult right now, it's really quite a challenge. I think the most challenging thing is living with my parents again. At age 27, it's hard enough to live with your parents. But coming back here, I have noticed how hard it is to strive for positivity when you are surrounded by family who is often dwelling on the negative.

I wonder if anyone else has an ideas of how to deal with this? It is already a struggle for me to strive for positivity while being unemployed, very poor, living at home, and half way around the world from the person I want most to be with. So now, how do I deal living with my parents and sister, who are often prone to dwelling on the tiniest things.

I wonder the right way (if there is a way)to try an encourage family members to strive for positivity too... I think my methods of a.) pointing out how negative they are being doesn't work (since now you are complaining!) or b.) pointing out that most people in the world, for example, don't have a dish washer to complain about don't seem to work.

I don't want to come off haughty, or to be complaining about complaining... so how DOES one encourage others not to (ahem) drag me down into negativity land?

Murray

2009-03-24T18:35:00.006-04:00

I thought I would share this hilarious video of my dog Murray howling along with an ambulance noise (siren sound courtesy of youtube). This is the only way we can get him to howl and it is just too funny and cute to watch him get all into the howling.

Long Time, No Blog

2009-03-24T18:19:00.003-04:00

Hi all,

Sorry it has been a super long time since I blogged anything... it has been a mixture of new (tiny) part time job, interviewing for more jobs (no luck yet), and pondering my career future.

I am just about finished with my MA in anthropology (I will hopefully be officially graduating in May this year) and I am realizing that, well, having an MA in anthro isn't going to help me get a job right now. Honestly, anthro wasn't exactly what I had imagined it as... I had this bold idea of applied anthropology (i.e. using anthro and research to help people) but the grad school I went to wasn't too applied friendly, and then to top it off, the economy is so bad that most non-profits have been scaling back their projects, not looking for fresh-from-grad-school researchers.

Looking back at my education, I see a great deal of confusion and poor planning. I kind of just went with things I liked and that I thought were interesting, which would be fine, except I didn't really consider the grander scheme of things until recently.. At 27, I am finally in a place in my life where I want to (ahem) 'settle down' to some degree. Vivek and I are trying to work out a plan so we can both be gainfully employed and happy here in the ole' USA, and his job is pretty straight forward. (He is lucky that he knows exactly what he wants to do!) I, on the other hand, have been merrily strolling through my education, trying this and that, and ending up with lots of knowledge and passion, but with few practical skills*.

(*that I can be EMPLOYED to use, that is)

Lately, I have been pondering my options and taking a look at myself and deciding what exactly it is I really want to do. One of the things I have been thinking about for a long time now is Nursing. As a nurse I can
a.) help people
b.) work with kids
c.) get a steady, well paying job anywhere in the country
d.) use my skills as a volunteer/work with a non-profit at some time
e.) Use my Hindi language/Indian cultural knowledge in many communities in the US
f.) a flexible schedule so I can also pursue some of my other interests as well.

I found this really great nursing program that is designed for people who already have a undergraduate and/or graduate degree in another field. It is designed to train highly educated nurses, and I would be an RN after the first year, and have a chance to get a CNL certificate and my MSN after the second year. and VOILA! I could be a nurse. Earning the monies. Helping the people.

Plus, I think I look pretty awesome in scrubs. ;)

What do you guys think?

Depressed.

2009-02-07T23:39:00.004-05:00

Sigh.

OK, okay. I know. But, it is so hard to be away from the one you love. I miss him so.

And this weather... it seems to be a never-ending snowstorm. I could do for a little sunshine.

And jobs? Don't even start. I have been applying for you jobs since September. You do the math... well you don't have to.. that's SIX months of job applications, without fruitful result. I went from applying for jobs that have to do with my (almost received) masters degree, to applying for jobs that pay decently, to applying for any and ALL jobs I can find. And I still don't have a job. Not even a quickie-mart job or anything. And, I have all this education and training and experience. I just want to put it to use.

I am doing a really great internship during this time. Which is nice, and experience. But, the thing that I really need at the moment is money. If I just had some kind of paying job, I could at least work on paying off my bills.

Lack of money is keeping me from Vivek. I feel like I want to start my 'grown-up' life, with my love, with my degree, and instead I am just in kid-land, penniless in my parents house.

So sigh. Yes, I am depressed. But, I'm still not just going to sit here!

Belief-O-Matic

2009-01-25T21:49:00.002-05:00

hehe.. so I found this website that asks about your beliefs and tells you the best religion(s)would be according to your beliefs.. this is the list they generated for me.. no surprised there, I guess... I'd be interested to see if anyone else got anything interesting.

1. Secular Humanism (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (99%)
3. Liberal Quakers (86%)
4. Neo-Pagan (81%)
5. Theravada Buddhism (81%)
6. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (71%)
7. Mahayana Buddhism (70%)
8. New Age (68%)
9. Nontheist (67%)
10. Taoism (63%)
11. Orthodox Quaker (57%)
12. Reform Judaism (56%)
13. Jainism (50%)
14. Sikhism (49%)
15. Scientology (44%)
16. Baha'i Faith (42%)
17. New Thought (42%)
18. Hinduism (37%)
19. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (35%)
20. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (30%)
21. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (25%)
22. Orthodox Judaism (25%)
23. Seventh Day Adventist (25%)
24. Islam (24%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (19%)
26. Roman Catholic (19%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (15%)

The Truth! Discovered!

2009-01-13T12:59:00.004-05:00

I think I have finally determined the true mixture of my darling mutt Murray the Sato(de Puerto Rico). I always assumed he was part Chihuahua, since he has a lot of very Chihuahua looking parts, though he is bigger (15 lbs.). He also has relatively short legs and a long body. Today I looked up Chihuahua-miniature Dachshund mixes and found that people have been breeding them as a new "designer" (also known as a mix of two different kinds of pure breeds) dog called a "Chi Weenie" which is nicknamed the Mexican Hot Dog. Ha. Ha. Anyways, I looked at all these Chi Weenies and it looks like Murray could definitely be such a mix, or at least something close. What do you think?

ChiWeenie Photos 1
ChiWeenie Photos 2

Is the Indian Mouche Lost Forever?

2008-12-31T19:04:00.004-05:00

Should we shed a tear or rejoice at the possible disappearance of the Indian mouche (mustache)? You be the judge:

Indian Moustaches 'face the chop'

Some pictures from my last days in Delhi

2008-12-28T18:44:00.003-05:00

Hey! One of my friends sent me these pictures they took during my last few days in Delhi... A bunch of Vivek and I being silly and also a few feeding the tiny, fuzzy, adorabible Indian squirrels.

Celebrate the Cuteness!

2008-12-24T13:06:00.002-05:00

Murray is going to be 6 next month. And still as cute as ever.

Irony

2008-12-20T11:59:00.001-05:00

Mice suspected in deadly cat fire

Brookford Farm- A Success Story

2008-12-02T16:00:00.005-05:00

I sit here, sipping the first Indian style tea I have had since I returned from India-- it has my Taj Mahal brand loose leaves, ginger, sugar, and of course... milk! But, for the first time in the U.S., I am not drinking pasteurized milk. I'm drinking raw milk. That's right folks... straight from the cow's teat! (well, not exactly). I read up on raw milk, and read that it isn't so dangerous as people think. The reason pasteurization started in the 1920s was due to unhygienic farming practices and transportation of milk. Nowadays, a small, local, organic farmer can have a hygienic milking area and clean ways to package it.

Raw milk is supposed to have more nutrients, many of which break down in the pasteurizing process, and it is also more flavorful. The fat in the milk of grass-fed cows is supposed to be higher in Omega 3 fatty acids, and some other stuff, I forgot, that is also good for you. So it has fat, but its better-for-you fat. And we also got the 'low fat' version of raw milk, which just means they scooped the cream off the top (which they probably used in one of their many other products.)

My sister and I gave Brookford Farm a call and set up a time for a first visit, where they will give us a tour of the farm. A very nice guy who works on the farm came out and gave us the tour. We went inside and petted adorable fuzzy Jersey cows and their reticent Holstein sisters. We saw the pastures they graze in, the multitude of hens running about (He said there were about 70) all over the farm and running up to us to see if we had any food scraps for them.

We also saw the baby cows, which are fed by their own mothers before they are milked. We did hear that the boy cows would eventually go to "s-l-a-u-g-h-t-e-r" when they are older (it was spelled as such so the poor little guys wouldn't hear, haha) but not as veal calves since they are allowed to roam and play as cows on the farm.

We also met Oliver, the adorable son of the farmers, who went on the tour with us, telling us interesting stories about farm.

All in all, a very nice day, and we bought a dozen fresh eggs and a 1/2 gallon of fresh raw milk.. now in my tea. Yum! It was a bit more expensive than the store, but I think it is worth it personally. And it was only 15 minutes from my house. Who knew eating morally could be so easy?

Exploring my Options

2008-12-01T23:34:00.003-05:00

I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. There were a few things that sparked my vegetarianism as a 12 year old. First, I loved animals and always had. As a young child I had a 'bug cemetery" by an old stump that looked like a church where I buried the poor hapless dead bugs I found outside.

I used to spend hours watching animals outside. Once, after a lot of patience, I got a chipmunk to take food from my hand on the front step. I also always loved dogs, cats, horses, you name it. I was always observant and interested in animals body language and sounds. There was never any doubt in my mind that animals can think, feel, and enjoy their lives much like humans.

I still feel that the line we draw between humans and animals is exaggerated. Yes, we have opposable thumbs. We can make tools and tame our land. But don't chimps make tools, though simple? Don't dogs noises mean something to other dogs? And don't animals protect and love their families and friends (pack)?

One of my friends suddenly became a vegetarian around 5th or 6th grade. I thought, wow, what an idea. Growing up in Maine, I hadn't been exposed to vegetarianism as a food choice at that time. Around the same time, I wrote a paper for school on slaughterhouses. That sealed the deal, and since I was 12, I have been a vegetarian.

At that point, I was quite the anomaly in my small town in Maine. My family didn't know what to feed me, and felt frustrated by my refusal to eat meat. Restaurants often didn't have vegetarian options, and relatives weren't sure what I WOULD eat. People often joked by offering me meat at the dinner table:

"Hey Lindsey, want some chicken?"
"Hey Lindsey, are you SURE you don't want a hamburger? They are so juicy."

People still do this. Others, like my dad, view me as an 'extremist', a sort of outside of normal American culture freak. A Food fundamentalist. I of course, see his intake of meat (often 1-2 times a day) in the opposite light.

When I was 12, people regarded it as a 'phase', something I would get over and move on. Something new and trendy. Something I would get bored and tire of, eventually picking up that chicken wing or grabbing a slice of pork sirloin. But, here I am, age 27, still strong in my convictions.

Because for me, it was never a phase, but a moral conviction. I never wanted to be responsible for the suffering, pain, and death of other living creatures. At 27 though, I have a greater ability to educate myself about the world and the what's going on in it. For a long time, I felt sure in my convictions as a vegetarian who still eats eggs and milk, who still buys leather.

But, recently, I came across an "eat vegetarian" site which opened up Pandora's box for me. Maybe it never occurred to me, or maybe I just didn't want to know, but most eggs and milk in this country are also produced in large commercial facilities. For a long time, I have been buying 'cage free' eggs, thinking that is solving my dilemma. Chickens get to run free on a farm if they are 'cage free', right? Right?

It looks as though my assumptions are wrong. Cage free doesn't necessarily mean farm life, especially if its a big commercial brand. Instead, it looks as though it just means that 1,000s of chickens are crowded into a small, sunless shed. Still unable to go outside, they are sent to slaughter once they stop laying well. Bleck.

Then, we have milk. I have been somewhat lactose intolerant for years, and usually drink soy milk, but lately I found some probiotics that enable me to eat more milk products I enjoy, like cottage cheese, yogurt, and, my Achilles heel, ice cream. Let's be honest. I have no idea where that milk comes from. I never really thought of it. I always thought "Oh! Those silly vegans! Cows aren't killed for their milk, what's the problem?"

Well, it turns out these huge commercial dairy farms aren't so appealing either. From what I gathered, many keep these cows pumped up with hormones, separate their young soon after the birth, causing severely emotional reactions from both mother and calf, send the male calves to be raised for veal, shackled and unable to turn around, and due to lack of proper care, exercise, etc many of the dairy cows end up lame and sick, and are then sent off to slaughter. Double beck.

So, finally Lindsey needs to face the facts. Being a vegetarian is pretty good, but, umm, I have had my blinders on. My cage free eggs are not so farm life happy. My milk is feeding an industry of death, sickness, and torture.

So, now I am on a journey. I want to re-find that old fashioned, let's go milk the cows and send them out in the pasture to munch on grass while chickens are running around the barnyard, pecking up grains and vegetable scraps from the kitchen.

So I looked for a local organic farm that sells fresh farm eggs and milk. I found Brookford Farm not so farm from my house. Tomorrow I think I will give them a call and go get a tour of the farm, and see what they have for sale.

Now I just need to figure out what to do about leather.

I daresay, Maude, felines raally do enjoy yoga.

2008-11-07T17:13:00.004-05:00

So, in addition to cycling, I have also been trying to do yoga regularly since I got home from India. When I was in India, Vivek bought me Shilpa's Yoga, and I must say, it's quite a good yoga dvd. It doesn't have any of the funny weird 'fad' (ahem, fake) yoga that is so popular in the U.S. this days. but rather a nice 50 min. workout that stretches and tones your body. It's good enough that I can see my body toning and getting stronger, but not so intense that it feels like a chore to do it. In fact, with the meditative breathing at the end, I end feeling happy and relaxed.

But, to the point. During the time since I have been home that there is nothing that a fuzzy little feline enjoys more than a calm, stretching, meditative human. They just can't resist. It makes for quite an awkward time. When in "tree pose" (on one leg, stretching up) or "bow pose" (on your stomach, legs bent, holding ankles and arching up) the kitty just can't resist but rub rub rub on my one balancing leg, or under my turned up chin. One might think it's frustrating, but really, I must confess, I find it entirely adorable, and can't do much but laugh when the kitty winds her way between my arms and legs when I am in a pose. Oh kitties. Indeed.

....drum roll please!

2008-10-22T13:09:00.003-04:00

here he is... my new cousin Nathan:

Being held by his big brother

One of those "tagged" thingies

2008-10-21T11:32:00.003-04:00

6 Things I Value

(In no particular order)

1. Love and compassion for all living things

2. Honesty

3. Accepting that life isn't going to be perfect, and that's OK.

4. My own golden rule: As long as anothers actions aren't hurting anyone, let them do as they desire.

5. Respecting the environment for the sake of humans and other living beings.

6. Helping others purely to help, rather than to "get something back later"

6 Things I Don’t Support

1. Assuming different= wrong

2. Thinking some people are more worthy of basic needs than others.

3. War/Violence in any form.

4. Treating some people like they are too ignorant to make their own decisions.

5. Ignoring an issue/problem/suffering rather than trying to find a solution.

6. Selfishness.

6 People I Tag

1. My sister

2. Vivek

3. Abby

4. Sue

5. Pooja

6. Anyone else who wants to do it.

You can either put your answers as a comment to this blog, or put them on your own blog and link in my comments. :)

Ride that Bike! Yeah!

2008-10-20T15:31:00.003-04:00

View Larger Map

So here is the bike route I took today, 5.7 miles... the longest ride I've taken yet and I'm definitely ready to do it again. I have been either going cycling or doing yoga everyday and trying to keep track of what I eat (by portion size, thought not a 'diet' per say). I have lost 8 pounds since I got home.. hooray! Hopefully it will keep going this well.

Bay Cousin Nate (2)

2008-10-19T14:35:00.002-04:00

So my baby cousin Nate was born soon after the other post.. but I didn't get to talk to the family until now about him... While his older bro Jake is blond and lighter toned, he has dark hair and tones. (I am waiting on his picture!) The most interesting thing is that he was born with a Mongol Spot, which is a blue birthmark, usually on the lower back or bum... Here's what a website says about them:

"The prevalence of Mongolian spots varies among different ethnic groups according to the overall depth of pigmentation. Mongolian spots are common among Asian, East Indian, and African races, but rare among Caucasian and other races. Reported incidences in representative ethnic infants are as follows:
Asian: 95-100%, East African: 90-95%, Native American: 85-90%, Hispanic: 50-70%, Caucasian: 1-10%"

Our family (on my mom's side) has Croatian and other eastern European ancestry.. so maybe it comes from there? Or maybe some of our Croatian ancestors were from the east, or from Turkey (I read that it is also common among Turks). Also, there is possible native American Blood in my family.. though we just have a name "Tecumsah Smith"..

All in all, an intriguing mystery...ancestry is very interesting, no?

Baby Cousin Nate

2008-10-16T13:01:00.003-04:00

If all goes as planned, my baby cousin Nate will be born today! He will be my 5th cousin.. and they are ALL boys! Here he is hanging out in the womb:

Hunger in India states 'alarming'

2008-10-15T00:36:00.000-04:00

Twelve Indian states have "alarming" levels of hunger while the situation is "extremely alarming" in the state of Madhya Pradesh, says a new report.

Madhya Pradesh's nutrition problems, it says, are comparable to the African countries of Ethiopia and Chad.

India has more people suffering hunger - a figure above 200 million - than any other country in the world, it says.

The report, released as part of the 2008 Global Hunger Index, ranks India at 66 out 88 countries.

'Scored worse'

The hunger index has been released by the International Food Policy Research Institute (IFPRI) along with Welthungerhlife and the University of California.

It measures hunger on three indicators which include child malnutrition, rates of child mortality and the number of people who are calorie deficient.

The problem of hunger is measured in five categories - low, moderate, serious, alarming or extremely alarming.

The survey says that not one of the 17 states in India that were studied were in the low or moderate hunger category.

"Despite years of robust economic growth, India scored worse than nearly 25 sub-Saharan African countries and all of South Asia, except Bangladesh," the report says.

The best performing state was Punjab, which has a 'serious' hunger problem and does less well than developing countries such as Gabon, Vietnam and Honduras.

"When Indian states are compared to countries in the Global Hunger Index, [the central Indian state of] Madhya Pradesh ranks between Ethiopia and Chad," it says.

India is long known to have some of the highest rates of child malnutrition and mortality in under-fives in the world.

According to the Indian government statistics two years ago, around 60% of more than 10 million children in the state were malnourished.

Nutrition experts say the abysmal record is due to an inadequate access to food, poor feeding practices and poor childcare practices in India.

And now the rise in the global food prices has reduced the food-buying capacity of many poor families, making their situation worse.

In the past year food prices have increased significantly, but people's incomes haven't kept pace, forcing many families further into hunger, experts say.

The report says "improving child nutrition is of utmost urgency in most Indian states".

"All states also need to improve strategies to facilitate inclusive economic growth, ensure food sufficiency and reduce child mortality," it adds.
Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/south_asia/7669152.stm

Published: 2008/10/14 12:24:13 GMT

© BBC MMVIII

Hey Indian Ladies... take back the streets!

2008-10-13T11:07:00.000-04:00

O politics. oh... politics. ugh.

2008-10-02T23:28:00.002-04:00

So,

I have been stressing out muchily trying to decide who to vote for in this upcoming election.. In the past I have always voting Green Party and totally avoided the two party system (and voting for a candidate that might actually get elected) but things are getting soo bad I was actually tempted for the "lesser of two evils" Barack Obama. Now, don't get me wrong, he has some nice ideas.. Health care is a huge step forward (especially since I don't have any!)And focusing more on education and such is nice too.

But, being a firm believer in non-violence, I am extremely uncomfortable with his comfort in talking about going into Pakistan.. putting sanctions on Iran (don't we know yet that sanctions hurt the common innocent people, not the crazies in charge!?!) and his super-support of Israel... Why is Israel such a big agenda these days anyways? I mean, I understand that they and Palestine need to work something out, but there are issues like that in MANY many places.. like India/Pakistan over Kashmir.. or China and Tibet... I guess it's because Israel is there only ally in the middle east.. where the U.S. has gotten itself into a mess of trouble.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. What would the Dalai Lama do? Seriously. Can I support any candidates who are advocating to go to war at any moment? Aren't there any other OPTIONS to create peace besides creating MORE violence?

I am bummed out. I don't know if I can bring myself to be responsible for war and death by voting for the democrats.. but at the same time the Green Party.. seems like a dead fish (it's not even flopping around!) this year. So what's the point? These sort of things make me wonder.. should I even vote at all?

Sigh. I feel disenfranchised.

We had one 9-11... how many will India have before anyone outside takes notice?

2008-09-27T09:21:00.001-04:00

BOMB ATTACKS IN INDIA IN 2008

27 September: Bomb blasts kills one in Delhi

13 September: Five bomb blasts kill 18 in Delhi

26 July: At least 22 small bombs kill 49 in Ahmedabad

25 July: Seven bombs go off in Bangalore killing two people

13 May: Seven bomb hit markets and crowded streets in Jaipur killing 63

(from the BBC)

2008-09-25T23:51:00.002-04:00

Back and Back and Back Again

2008-08-17T05:37:00.003-04:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I have posted. I have been in Delhi since May, working as an English teacher for an international language school. It was tough at first, and stressful getting used to teaching adults in a new teaching method.. After that I was really enjoying myself, though between teaching and the heat of Delhi summers I wasn't doing much else.

I have made a few very good friends and had time to spend with my "old" friends in Delhi too.. All in all pretty good.

But, unfortunately, I decided that I need to return to the U.S. for monetary and school (ahem masters is STILL not finished) reasons. I'm going to head back in about a month, and I'm going from living half-way around the world to living in the house I grew up in. I am really excited to see my family and friends in the U.S. again, and take care of my sweet (though sometimes troublesome) little mutt again... It's amazing how as you get older ("older" as a relative term.. I guess, I'm going to be 27 on August 24!) you miss your family more and more.

I am also going to be very sad leaving India.. it seems almost unreal that I am leaving so soon. I haven't had a perfect time, and spent (too much) time complaining... but still, damn, I'm going to miss this place, even the honking cars and cow poop on the sidewalks!

I'm sure I'm going to have culture shock when I get home.. it will be so quiet.. so.. I don't know.. different. It will take awhile to get used to.

Anyways, in about a month I'll be headed back... I am wrapping up work and thinking about packing.. whew.. it's back and back and back again!

Happy Holi!

2008-03-28T04:34:00.001-04:00

Like my 'stache?

A couple Videos about I-India

2008-03-14T12:52:00.001-04:00

Wanna Help?

2008-03-13T05:41:00.004-04:00

Since October I have been going a couple of times a week to a special place. It's called Child Inn and it's one of the 5 homes for street children run by I-India in Jaipur, Rajastan. This organization, in addition to the homes for street children, also runs a lot of other programs in Jaipur: they run the Jaipur Child-line, which is a free number for children to call if they need any help. They also run mobile schools, and shower buses for children who live on the streets or in the slums. They also run vocational training programs for jewelry making, sewing, and arts & crafts.

I have been going to Child Inn, which is a boy's home. The boys there are usually between 10-18 years old. Most of them go to school and take computer classes, tutoring (for extra help) and sewing or craft classes after school. When I come I do drawing with them, or just play and chat.

Working there for a long time, I have come to see that while the staff wants the best for the kids, it is always a struggle because they need more funding for the children's education, health care, and daily needs like food, clothes etc. I wanted to share with everyone about this organization and the great work they are doing for children here in Jaipur, many of whom, without this program, would be forced to live on the streets. There are lots of ways to help, you can sponsor one child, or donate for different programs. You can read more about it here.

Goats in Coats and Local Pests

2008-02-03T08:07:00.000-05:00

Whew.... again, a long time since I have posted. I "lost" my house internet connection, and Jaipur is back to it's regular electricity schedule where the electricity goes off between at least 10 am-12 noon and sometimes even longer making my chances to sit down and write a blog far and in between.

So since my return from the U.S. for Christmas things have been going pretty decently for my stomach in Jaipur.. those probiotics really make a huge difference...

Now that my stomach issues have settled down, I have realized lately just how normal it feels for me to live in India. When I'm on a bus to Delhi on the highway the scenery feels so familiar and normal now, getting a rickshaw or going grocery shopping is run of the mill, and overall I feel generally... normal. I think that revelation came while I was on the bus and I just thought... wow. I have always thought I could live in India for a long term and feel happy, but I was really worried this fall that maybe I couldn't, and that maybe my whole plan in life would have to be rearranged.. A daunting task, to say the least.

Not to say everything is perfect and happy all the time, but any problems I have nowadays seem to be normal life problems rather than "living in a foreign land" problems.

So, then, the title, you ask. Well, it's winter here, which doesn't necessarily mean it is freezing cold, though it is really chilly without heating and the houses aren't really insulated in anyway. Generally I am doing fine with all that, but I came to know some really cute practices which I never would have guessed. First people put coats on their dogs, and sometimes the neighborhood street dogs also strut their stuff in their winter sweaters. But the best by far is the goats in coats. Now, these goats are herded about, with their big floppy ears and strange goaty-eyes, all over the place, city included. A cute little old grandma comes through my neighborhood regularly, herding her goats through the city blocks. These goats seem of a hardy stock, but for some reason, it seems everyone decides that in 40-60 degree weather, a goat needs a coat to keep itself toasty warm. Indeed. So, if I am ever down, I can think, of goats in coats.

The second interesting issue as of late are some local pests... now generally pests in a house could be... let's see... ants, cockroaches, mosquitoes, flies, maybe a mouse or such.... not so here these days.. the pests giving me the most trouble of all...

monkeys.

oh monkeys. How I fear them. One day they were in the front hall, stealing someones pants and trying to rip them up. I have to say. Monkeys are scary. ouff.

and then lately... even worse... the monkeys have decided to use my balcony as there special-monkey-gift-deposit spot.. aka... monkey toilet. This not only means that my porch is now covered in little miniature human-turds and pee stains... it also means... HELP!!! I can't open the door to my porch.. monkeys might come in...!!!

Someone at school told a story of former residents of their flat who left their porch door unlatched one day and a monkey sauntered in, open the fridge and started downing the eggs as if he did this every morning. Of course, they couldn't do anything but watch, those sale monkeys have teeth, yaar.

Lazy Day

2007-12-02T09:22:00.000-05:00

Ahh. I am so lazy today. I went out dancing at a club last night with friends (something I don't do in the U.S.). It was, surprisingly, pretty fun, despite the fact I almost lost my favorite green corduroy jacket! (Luckily I found it, yay!)

Well, in the U.S., the one or two times I have gone clubbing, it was been... hmm.. I don't know. Slightly irritating, I guess. I don't really like the general club-going populace, I don't like grinding (I am a group dancer!) and I don't like to "meet" people at clubs.

This club, called B2B is in a Country Inn and Suites in Jaipur. It is rather expensive to get in (500 rupees a person, or about $12.59 but you get a little over half that back in drink coupons) and you can only go as a couple. At first, this was annoying because we weren't sure we would have an even amount of people. But inside, the environment was much nicer. No one seemed to be prowling around to "meet" people, everyone was content with their own group of friends, or partner. Dancing was fun, though I was disappointed that there was not as much Hindi pop music as I hoped for.

So after a fun evening of dancing with friends (though I was missing V and wishing he could be here this weekend!) I came home and slept for...

12 hours.

That's right. 12 hours. Whew. I didn't know I have the potential to sleep 12 hours straight, but apparently I did. And no, I didn't drink too much. My stomach is super acidic and that is not helping by all the spicy fried foods of India, so lately I can't really imbibe the alcohol. I was just, sleepy, I guess. Who knows.

So today I woke up at 3 pm (indeed!) and all day I have been lazing around, reading blogs, and not doing the homework which is waiting for me. I have to finish reading a Hindi story called Eidgah, and also write my 5 page weekly journal.

Oh alas, but I don't want to. I am really excited to (hopefully) head to my parents house in the U.S. for christmas, and bring V along. I hope it snows. I want to take him sledding. And eat Christmas cookies. And have a fire in the fireplace in the living room, and relax sipping eggnog. Mmm. Hopefully we will be on our way in two weeks. V has his visa appointment this week, and the U.S. embassy really is a fan of paperwork. For a little two week vacation V have to procure every document in the world. Or something like that.

Hopefully it will all work out fine though... I really hope we can go for a nice vacation....

It's so funny, I was so excited to get back to India, and I am enjoying it, but still, now I am all excited to take a little break and see my friends and family and show V where I grew up.. and eat lots of yummy food. There is certain food I keep thinking about:

1.) Chilean Sandwiches from Downtown Crossing in Boston
2.) Veggie Sushi
3.) Christmas cookies- especially my mom's mocha fudge
4.) Christmas morning pastry.. we call it "slug" but it's real name is 'Cream cheese coffee cake". The tastiest thing ever.
5.) A basic veggie sandwich with lettuce, tomato, avocado, etc. Yum. And a Moe's sub.

Yum! I can't wait. I hope we get to go.

Life of a gori videshi larki in Jaipur

2007-11-27T10:35:00.000-05:00

sigh. that's right. siiigh.

so, whats a gori videshi larki, anyways, you ask? Well gori is fair/white, videshi is foreigner and larki is, well girl.

Ok, so you get the idea. I am a white foreign girl in Jaipur. Indeed.

I have been in India since August, and in Jaipur for 3 months now.

And let me say it. UGH. Yes, that is right, ugh. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mean all of India is ugh by any means, or Indians or Indian culture (etc etc etc). In fact I am still a big fan. Especially of the people I am close to... boyfriend, friends, kids at the NGO, etc.

But day-to-day walking down the street in Jaipur is one of the most irritating things ever. So, Indian women here dress in a variety of ways. We have the traditonal mama's in their saris, with gold jewelry, big bindhi on the forehead and some nice chappals (sandals). We have the salwaar kameez types, swinging their duppattas around their necks, and them we have the young ladies who tend to wear a mix of the salwaar kameez look and the t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers get-up.

I generally wear a mix of the jeans with kurtas, duppattas, salwaar suits, etc. Usually I pull my hair back. Mostly I look kind of nondescript and entirely dull and flavorless. I do it on purpose, mainly (and, a bit out of laziness).

But regardless of what I wear, be it full Indian get-up, or full Umrikan shirt n jeans, I get the same stares. Lest we forget, streets in India are pretty much everywhere filled with more males than females. Anywhere I walk, first you get the rubbernecking. If I (a gori videshi larki) make eye-contact with said rubberneckers, this may.... insinuate some interest. Ha! I am just looking around. So the only way to walk is mainly by staring at the ground, not looking at faces, I have become good friends with the pavement on the way to class, its potholes, sandy parts, and bumps...

In addition to the rubberneckers, we have a few different type of yellers. Type A is the shop owner/cycle/auto driver who sees me and thinks "ah ha! a videshi tourist sucker is born every minute! Lets see how much I can charge them for fill in the _____" Type A yellers tend to yell such non-varying phrases such as "madam! come into my shop!" "you neeeeed a ride? come into my auto, madam!" or the ever-favorite smacking of seat followed by "aao" (come). right. I am walking to school. Like I do everyday. And your winning charge of "madam madam!" will really draw me in. Whats up with "madam" anyways? Man I hate that word (whew. deep breath.)

Type B yellers generally include adolescent, teenage boys, young adult (men) and a few bold women/girls. The more benevolent look at me (or any gori videshi larki) as if they have just seen a movie star, and begin waving their hand and shouting "HELLO! HOW-ARE-YOU?" or other such simple English phrases, excited to finally have someone to shout them at besides their school teacher. Older guys ride by and say "Hello!" etc and smile, hoping for a positive response and attempt to make further inane chatter. All such people, with the exception of small cute children in school buses, get ignored with the whole "look at my feet and at like I can't hear" routine. The rule is, never, ever encourage.

Type C yellers are the worst. Always older teenage boys or any age men, they probably watch too much (illegal) imported western porn. Hence, the only time they see gori videshi larkiya is when, well, they are watching foreign people have sex on t.v. As you can imagine, not the best foot to start off on. Thanks porn industry!

Type C yellers are usually on bikes. They like to yell things like "HEY SEXY!" or "WANT A RIDE?". These guys are usually from well off families and seem to think they "know it all". Like the notion that if a white girl takes a ride from you, that means you get to have sex. Or that, white girls have sex with anyone, coz its what they do for fun. Damn. Sexy. Unfortunately, along the way, all of these guys forgot to use their brains and realize that humans are humans, no matter where we live. In that, I have a family, I go to school, etc. No, I am not a sex machine. Sorry to disappoint.

Beyond Type C yellers we get into touchers, which is a whole other breed. There is the "oops! I bumped into you!" guys, the ride-by-on-bike-and-swipe, and then the guys who don't pretend they are not sexually harassing you and just grope you, straight up. (Luckily this has not happened to me, though it did happen recently to someone I know). I generally avoid crowds, because this is where touchers strike... I got a gross pair of sweaty lips planted on the back of my neck once at a parade in Jaipur. wretch.

Now, I am not saying this only happens in Jaipur. I had a whole "oops I bumped into you.. and oops again!" happen in Chennai which resulted in the 40-something guy getting a decent slap from me...

I am always on the alert, I have these dreams of knocking said "Eve-Teaser" of the future (though I think it is all just sexual harassment, not the benign sounding eve-teasing that Indians use for such incidents) off his bike, or slapping,punching, or kicking him where it counts. But of course, type a and b yellers don't deserve violent measures, usually just a scowl or ignoring them works, but type c yellers and touchers... I say slap, kick and punch at will. Well, don't like... you know, send him to the hospital, but embarrass him if possible.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I really needed to rant about this. whew.

Where to begin?

2007-10-31T05:25:00.000-04:00

Ah, it's been so long since I posted anything, it's so hard to decide where to start.

Let's see. I'm in Jaipur, India, and have been since the beginning of September. The month of August I spent in Delhi, and also traveled to Dharamshala for some time (with the WB too!)

I have been studying Hindi here and also visiting my wonderful boyfriend in Delhi quite frequently, and he often visits me here, too.

Actually, he just came to visit, and after about one day I unfortunately got sick (AGAIN!) so he stayed extra time and spent most of it taking care of me. Poor guy. I really hate having to rely on people for help too. It always makes me feel bad.

My stomach and I have not been getting along extremely well since I got to India, but I am determined to beat it into submission (or... whatever). When I first got here I kept having weird stomach aches which I think were just from jet lag/nerves, so they went away after awhile. Then I was all chill in Delhi. But since I have gotten to Jaipur I have had... erm.. I think three bouts of the old "delhi belly" (which I never got in Delhi...) and once I had conquered those and seemed well on the mend, I got this strange stomach affliction.

Now, it all started with linzi being not-so-smart. Sure my stomach has been better for a few weeks without incidence (and may I note, my roommate nor anyone else seems to be getting sick while eating the same exact things as me!) but I guess I should not have gotten carried away and thought I could enjoy an evening out with friends, which involved, three weak alcoholic beverages. Now, I don't know IF they were really the cause of the stomach incident, seeing as how it was three weak screwdrivers (from which I did not achieve anything near drunkenness) or if it something else (like my mysterious "IBS" diagnosis from the grand doctors of the USA, which means "yup, yer stumuch hurts n we dunno why. you want sum rolaids?")
but the next day I upon eating I was saluted with a mysterious pain right underneath where my ribcage and sternum meet. Hum. So I waited a day, but the pain was rather not so fun, and if I tried to eat it became horribly worse (thought I did not feel nauseous or have any other normal symptoms of stomachy-badness.) So at about 10 pm my boyfriend V and I decided to visit the doctor.

Now, keep in mind that in Hindi visiting the doctor is "doctor ke paas jaanaa" which literally means "to go NEAR to a doctor". Whenever I think about this particular phrase, I think of the doctor as a guru, and in his essence I may be cured. Well, going to a doctor here is not to much different (at least in my experiences so far) than gaining some doctor-y essence. On this particular evening the doctors visit went like this:

(also note, this visit did not start with taking of temperature, asking about current problems/medication, or asking about any allergies to drugs)

Doctor: "Come sit, tell me whats wrong"
Me: "Since morning I have had this strange pain right here, that gets worse if I try to eat"
Doctor: "right here?" (poke)
Me: "OW! yes."
Doctor: "and you said you have nausea?
Me: "no, I don't have nausea. Just this pain."
Doctor: "aha, ok. I will give you these medicines and you will be completely better."
(proceeds to write out a long list of drugs with various notes about how often to take each one. When finished I have a list of 4 different medicines. And since he is a doctor, it is of course, illegible)
Me: "um, what exactly is wrong with me? I mean, what are all of these medicines for?"
Doctor: (laughs heartily) "That's a silly question!"
Me: (interjecting weakly) "But I want to know what the medicines are for before I take them"
Doctor: (grumpily) "You are having gastritis (I think this is what he said) which is inflammation of the stomach lining. These medicines will make you better. (This was followed by a half-hearted attempt to explain each medication). "Ok, now the first medicine is an injection."

He gave us the list and we went into the lobby (which was luckily very empty) and asked the nurse on duty where to get the medicines. He told us the hospital pharmacy was closed, so we had to take an auto rickshaw, get the medicines, and then come back so he can administer the injection.
When we came back, medicines and disposable syringe in hand, the nurse took me back and had me lie down. Only then did I realize, EEKS, it was not a normal shot but an "IV" shot, meaning.... he was going to stab the syringe into a vein on my hand. He told V to hold me down. GULP. Luckily, after such a dramatic opening, I learned that Mr. Male Nurse was in fact excellent at stabbing people's veins causing only minimal pain. Yippee.

After this I went home and tried to follow my pill regiment (I still don't know what one of the medicines is for!) but the next night it was still bad so we went back and he gave me a few more medicines, and told me only to eat liquid or semi-solid foods. whoo fun.

So that began on Sunday, and today (Wednesday) I am starting to feel mainly better, though
still having a small amount of pain. V stayed with me until today, even though he had to miss some of the classes he teaches. He helped me a lot, made me food, and all that. I feel really bad though, I keep getting sick and having to be taken care of. Sigh. Poor guy. Of course he is a wonderful sweetheart, and gets upset if I thank him for helping me.

So that is the latest story. Maybe I can give you some more stories soon, since I have aquired some free wireless internet from who knows where.

Two days

2007-08-03T13:11:00.000-04:00

Two days until I fly outta here for delhi. Hip hip hooray. Now. Back to packing.

today= yay!

2007-07-23T18:26:00.000-04:00

well, I just have to say, I'm having a lovely day.

here are some superb things about today:

1.) I got my (fixed) visa from the Indian Embassy, thereby granting me the privilege to go back to India for another year. I just keep carrying it around and looking at my beeyootiful visa. oh visa. so shiny. so colorful. so correct.

2.) In exactly two weeks from today I will be stepping down on Delhi soil to begin said year-long adventure. Oh I cannot wait. I need to get on my packing. I bought a very large suitcase. I am not taking the tags off yet. We will see if I will use that or if its even too big.

3.) I suddenly remembered (ok ok, I must confess, amazon.com reminded me by recommending me said title) that I was once upon a time considering buying a Bollywood dance workout video. Today I was thinking, what a grand idea, a workout, some smooth dance moves, and fun all in one. So I bought:
This DVD dance workout is bhangra style (think Punjabi's bouncing around with their hands in air) and henceforth is very fun. It's not very complicated in the dance move department, but gives you basic fun moves and, boy, it does make you sweat. After finishing the workout for the first time today, I was thinking "aww, I wanna do it again" which I think is a good sign. I refrained from doing it again though, I don't want to overdo it and then not want to do the video again. Instead I will look forward to doing it tomorrow, and hopefully I will become so sweet on the dance floor. no one can stop me.

i MADE something!

2007-07-08T22:48:00.000-04:00

ok, so I am at my parents house for a month during my wait. And my mom has this sewing machine that I think maybe I tried once or twice when I was a kid, but mainly it was her domain. I never actually used it to make anything. whole.

So, here I am, stuck in Maine-land. And I realized the awesome wallet one of my great friend wendy's mom made for me a couple years ago at Christmas is getting sad and holey. So I was thinking, maybe I should try to make a new wallet? My old wallet is basically a large lined pouch that folds in half and Velcro's shut. On the inside there is a pocket for cards that also Velcro's shut.

So I was thinking, over all I love my wallet but there were a few issues.

Issue 1: Whenever I had to get my money I would have to pull everything out of the pouch, announcing to the world how much (or little) money I was carrying with me.

Issue 2: Same issue with the cards, I would have to take them all out and shuffle through them. Not to mention I have too many. And they are never organized in any order.

So regardless of who's fault this issues are (mine, definitely mine) I decided I would try and take the basic folding pouch ideal (an ideal change/random stuff pouch) and add a little pocket that is bill sized. After that I thought, why not go all the way and make some little pockets for cards too?

So today I cut up some fabric, made the various parts, and this is what I came up with:

Now, I am already thinkings as I write this that I may need to add little flaps over the card/stuff pockets so the cards don't slide out. hmmm. Also I still need to add a button/snap/or velcro closure so I can fold it in half and keep it in my pocket. But here it is, trial wallet number 1.

(oh, and by the way, it cost nothing, all recycled fabric from a trunk in the basement)

1 Month Exactly...

2007-07-05T11:25:00.000-04:00

Until I get on a plane to Delhi.

I am so excited. I decided this month of waiting will be devoted to becoming more healthy. Meaning eating healthy balanced food and trying to get some kind of exercise everyday. So today is day one and so far doing ok. I did 50 crunches (whoo!) and also some yoga to wake up, and plan on going for a bike ride later. Right now I am eating a healthy breakfast, and hopefully I can continue the streak for the rest of the day.

Hopefully, I will be nice and healthy and in control of what I eat (no eating things I am allergic to or have sensitivities to) so when I get to India I can stay healthy and happy and not get sick like last summer (I was sick for about 1.5 months with major stomach issues). This year, my goal is to maintain healthy eating there, while being firm ("No, I REALLY can't eat dairy, even if you insist it will make my stomach ache go away") about my food issues.

If I am all set with this, then I can enjoy my 10 months (atleast!) in India that much more.

Blogging Madness!

2007-07-02T22:52:00.000-04:00

two blogs in one day? madness!

The past several months, I have been rather hermatose (hermit + comatose).

So, I guess I will finally spill the beans.

I am back on my way to India for at least 10 months!
I am doing a year long Hindi Program. I did the three month version of the program last summer, and this year I hope to achieve fluency. I am really excited and I got a fellowship for the program.
So, Next month I'll be on my way. Stay tuned for updates from India.

Egg Dreams

2007-07-02T17:44:00.000-04:00

So I have been a vegetarian since I was 12, when my good friend Anne (no longer a vegetarian, but still a follow of eating healthy and locally) introduced me to the concept. I had never liked meat (amongst a gazillion other things I wouldn't eat, I was the mom's nightmare style picky eater), and I had always loved animals. So one day she told me she became a vegetarian and it was like "whoa! you mean people do that? and I can too?" I was pretty excited. My mom was not so thrilled. "I'm not cooking separate meals for you!"

After all of these years I was pretty used to be being a vegetarian. But I still have lots of stomach issues. I won't bore you with the details. I went to a vareity of Doctors. Mr. By-the-Book doctor proclaimed (after doing fancy tests) that nothing was wrong with me, and it was all in my head. (Gee, thanks). Ms. Happie-Hippie Doctor perscribed me on a no sugar diet to get rid of candidas albicans (or something), also she found lots of food I have sensitivities too (which all have panned out).

Still I didn't exactly follow her advice and my stomach didn't get better. Then about three or four months ago, I began to embrace the truth. Everytime I ate dairy, I felt very ill afterwards, and no lactaid didn't help. It took some forcing (by myself) but I stopped eating dairy, and damn, do I feel better.

So now I am a non-diary imbibing vegetarian.

But back to the title. Egg Dreams.

So I have always had a slight grossed-out reaction to eggs, but always ate them anyways. A few months ago, I purchased what I thought were local cage-free vegetarian fed hen eggs. Then I was making some breakfast and I noticed some hunkachunka pinkie stuff in my egg. Ew. I threw out the pinkie thing, trying not to look. The I went about my business, cracking the two more eggs for the recipe. All of them seemed, well, odd. I looked on the egg carton again. FERTILIZED EGGS it said in large (how did I miss this?) letters acrosssed the top. My stomach dropped and churned about. My intellectual side was reduced to "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW". I mean, eggs are already goo squeezed from between a very unintelligent bird's legs. They are gross enough unfertilized. But, fertilized? And why, oh why, would you sell such a thing? Do people eat them, ON PURPOSE? Are they for hatching?

Since then, I have not stopped eating eggs, but every time I crack one, I feel a reluctance. And last night, was the culmination of this. Egg Dreams.

I have a dream that I was making some food and cracked an egg. A little fetus was in it, which had a spikey backbone, all curled up. I tried to throw it away without thinking and cracked another one. It had a bigger, more disgusting spiney-back boned fetus inside. In my dream, I ran into the bathroom to be sick.

In the real world, I woke up totally disgusted. eggs. shudder. fetus. shudder. fertilized. shudder.

Am I destined to be a vegan? Well I did just make brownies with EGGS in it, so I guess we will see.

fun fun fun

2007-06-10T11:23:00.001-04:00

Help me, I'm naked

2007-05-31T17:55:00.000-04:00

before

So, my poor kitty got ringworm a few weeks ago, and since I am poor, I can't really afford the oral antifungal that they suggested.. the alternative treatment?

shave your cat. then bathe him. one a week. apply antifungal cream twice daily, after cleaning with special medicated pads.

"why me?"

oh my poor poor kitty. I just shaved him. He was so good. He keeps looking at me with a pitiful "why?" on his face.

and my cut was kinda lumpy too

when?

2007-05-25T00:09:00.000-04:00

each day at 11 I run out and check the mail. When will it come? Will it be in a big envelope? Small? disheveled? ripped? crisp? Will it contain good news, or something that will punch me in the gut, leaving my hands shaking?

each day I look around, it feels frantic, chaotic, squeezing in. When will it change? When will my chaos melt into some kind of harmony. When will it feel like mine, when will it be worth organizing? when will I find home that is home, not temporary-it-can-wait-til-someday-in-the-future, but it can be worth it, now?

each day i think, i need to see him. When can I get there? When can we look each other in the eyes, and say hello, and smile and laugh together? When can we share the same temperature, or the same mosquito buzzing in our ears, or the same crunch of twigs underfoot in the woods? When can I know if he bites his fingernails, or cuts them straight, or if he turns his socks right-side-out, or has a smell to recognize? when can I see how his eyes crinkle when he laughs, or if he fidgets when he's bored, or how he looks when he is mad?

when will life be more about living, then waiting?

Life, These Days.

2007-04-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

So I am sure everyone is sitting around wondering "gee, I wonder what ole lindsey is up to these days?". Well, maybe I hope that is what you are thinking.

Mostly I have been hiding out. I don't really know what's going on these days, and my future plans are kind of up in the air. I applied and got accepted to a year long Hindi language program, but I'm on the waiting list for a fellowship. I won't know for another month or so. So MAYBE I am going to India for nine months, maybe not. I'm not very good at this "wait and see" business.

Otherwise, I am excited that I just got a full time job! YAY! HURRAY! Not only that, but it is at a bookstore. This morning was my first day, and I did four hours of training, which seems to go rather decently. Afterwards I had class, then went to an interesting talk on M.A. and PhD people getting jobs outside of Academia Land. The woman who gave the talk, Susan Basalla, was very funny and I enjoyed her talk. I guess she also wrote a book on the subject, called “So What Are You Going To Do With That?”: Finding Careers Outside Academia. I didn't get it (coz I'm poor as dirt at the moment!) but it seemed like she had some useful and practical points.

Also, it was nice to hear other graduate students questions and concerns. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one struggling with the 'Academia culture' but today definitely confirmed that is not the case. It made me feel a little better. Whew.

What else? Well earlier this week my sweet dog Murray got very sick and I had to take him to the vet. Luckily he is feeling much better and got better quickly. Still cost 85 dollars in vet bills though.

Honestly though, I guess I have been struggling lately. I am sick of this cold place, for starts, and I just feel lonely. Added to that is the unknown future of funding, and school in general, plus I have come to realise i maybe be experiencing some dumb anxiety thing called SAD. Social Anxiety Disorder. Sigh. I guess it would it explain my horrible sweats, red face, shaking, and unable to articulate sentences during presentations or talking to those in positions of power that I am afraid don't like me. And of course, it does nothing to improve the situation, it only makes me look more incompetent. I realised this has kind of been a growing issue since my student teaching days when I had a student teaching supervisor/worked with a head teacher who were very negative about me in a very nonconstructive manner. Since then, I have pretty much avoided any and all circumstances that involve me teaching/working with kids where someone can scrutinize me because I feel so nervous and my mind goes blank.

Looking back, I also realized I used to dislike presentations, but never had the same issues I have now. Now, I also get the same feeling of fear, dread, and terror when I have to meet with professors/advisers. My coping method so far is not so good, I just avoid the situations. I see that they are getting worse. Of course they are only certain situations and certain people. But really, I need to find a way to cope. I can't let this get bigger. Since I came to grad school, I have avoided giving any presentation that was not required by grade, and those that did would cause disruption for a few days before and the rest of the day after the presentation.

Lastly, I just want to say, I don't like this label business. Sure, maybe this is an issue I am struggling with. But I hate it when people become their label. "Hi, my name is depression." "Really, I'm chronic back pain, nice to meet you." I don't want to be one of those people ever. But obviously, avoiding situations isn't making it better either. But I like to see it as an issue, and one that is not part of me. Certainly not forever. For example, I know perfectly well that I feel damn confident teaching kids when there is no one hovering overhead, writing down what I am doing or not doing. Also, I feel perfectly fine contributing to class discussions, and yeah sometimes I DO turn red, but mainly, I feel perfectly at ease giving my two cents.

So, I think the first step, is getting myself in a positive environment. Secondly, is figuring out ways to CHILL. (and no, I don't think codeine cough medicine is a good answer. ha)

So anyways, that said, I still know I want to work with kids, and I really hope I can end up working for some cool NGO (or starting one) in India as planned. I also have some other interesting future options as of late. I just need to get on them.

Anyways, I know I don't usually post such things, but I guess... if anyone has an suggestions/comments/advice etc for me, it would be much appreciated.

Adoption and Criminal Behavior

2007-04-06T00:56:00.000-04:00

I have been reading this blog at Sepia Mutiny. It's about a guy who was adopted at age 3 from India and at age 25 committed a crime. His mother never finished applying for his citizenship in the U.S. and hence, he is being deported to India.

Does anyone see the huge problem with this and its implications around adoption in the U.S.??? Regardless of the crime he committed (stealing cars) how can he been sent back to a country he left at age 3. It boggles my mind. Tell me what you think.

Fun visual personality test

2007-03-31T16:04:00.001-04:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Food Experimentation: Americo-Indo-Chinese

2007-03-10T16:10:00.000-05:00

lately, I have been having these terrible craving for pineapple stir-fry. Last time I was at the store, I purchased some cans of pineapple chunks in "their own juice" (sounds kind of gross, na?) Every time I open my sparsely populated food cupboard, said cans of pineapple sit there, staring at me, reminding me of my craving. "But, I don't KNOW how to make any kind of pineapple related stir-fry!" I tell the pineapple. Today, I came home from a interview for my research, just thinking of pineapple. So I sized up my friend, and though "there must be a recipe SOMEWHERE in one of these millions of vegetarian cookbooks my mom buys for me at Knight's of Columbus Sales. Or. Maybe in the Hare Krishna cookbook J. bought for me on the side of the road (or was it the subway?) in Boston." So I begin to look. Now mind you, all these cookbooks are foreign to me, the only recipes I used are the ones my friend V. let me copy from his notebook that his mom gave him when he came from India to go to school in the U.S. Those always end up tasty, as long as I don't put in the amount of red chili is asked for. The Hare Krishna cookbook asks for too many ingredients I don't have (apple juice? orange juice, what are these juices... i just have their own juice. bas) After flipping through the other veg cookbooks, I begin to think.. "eh, who trusts these people anyways?"

That's where My Brilliant Plan is born. I close the cookbooks and put them away, back on their rightful, not to be opened shelf about the oven. I take out the rice cooker, throw in some rice, turmeric, cumin seeds, and peas, and leave it to cook. (No, I wasn't sure what would happen, but it seemed like the results would be tasty, regardless.) Next I began looking through my fridge. I found a green pepper (or capsicum, if you prefer), red onions, and a tomato on the verge of not being edible anymore. I cut all three up into large pieces, like you always get at the Chinese restaurants. I found some frozen green beans in the freezer, and some garlic that was sprouting (eh, that doesn't matter, right?) Lastly, I retrieved the can of pineapple chunks, in their own juice.

But, alas! "Where's your protein?" my mom's voice boomed into my head. crap. I don't keep tofu around (and I can never make it taste good anyways). Beans? Ew. Just doesn't go in stir-fry. Ah ha! I took out two eggs, scrambled them, and set them aside.

Whew! What a spread of delicious ingredients. But now I had to tackle the next issue. Sauce. How will I make a tasty sauce? My eyes flicked up to the cookbooks, but.. eh.. no. I make Indian food all the time. My spice dabba is just sitting there, filled with delicious indian spices. I decide to wing it.

I take out my pan, throw in a little oil, some cumin seeds, amchur (mango powder), a little more turmeric for color, a bit of red chili for zing, and a dash of the magic spice from when the cat knocked over the spice dabba and all the spices got mixed together inside.

As this started to heat up, I threw in the cut up veggies, frozen green beans, and garlic (I waited to put the garlic in because I didn't want it to brown). I dumped in the pineapple and its own juice. After stirring a bit, I poured in a cup of water and let it cook for a bit, adding the ripe tomatoes near the end so they wouldn't mush too much.

Using the sniff method, I determined a little more spice was needed. I went for amchur because I wanted a tangy-sweet but light sauce and added a bit more turmeric (hey, I hear it's good for your brain!) for color, a sprinkle of salt and a spoonful of sugar to keep it light but interesting. I let it simmer for awhile, and added in the scrambled egg. By the time a good amount of water had evaporated, (leaving behind a hopefully tasty sauce) the rice cooker had finished cooking my Lindsey-pulao.

I opened the lid and Wow! That rice sure was yellow! So maybe a little less turmeric would be needed next time.

I gave myself a helping of rice, and loaded it up with the stir-fry, making sure to spoon on some sauce. Snapped a photo, and took a bite..

Mmmm. Pretty good. And I got to enjoy a tasty Americo-(for me)-Indo-(for all my borrowing from my Indian cooking knowledge, some of the only cooking knowledge I have)-Chinese-(for my attempts at forging some chinese food).

school chale hum

2007-02-14T12:21:00.000-05:00

here is an interesting "social" message videos... here is an interesting one... this is it's description on youtube.com:

192 million children between 6-14 years of age across 1.1 million places in India are not going to school.
This film for Sarva Shiksha Abhiyan (Universilisation of Elementary Education) addresses the needs of these children.
The film catches the moment when children all across India from Kashmir to Kerala wake up in the morning and run to go to school.
Music:Shankar/Ehsaan/Loy
Lyrics:Mehboob
Directed by: Kanika and Bala, Bharatbala Productions (BBP) for the Ministry of Human Resource Development, India.

and here is the video:

I need to see what the Indian government is actually doing to get kids in school... besides making videos... hmmm

anyways.. something to think about.

edit:
after finding this, I checked out the other videos by bbpfilms, which all seem to be these videos designed to pull at people emotionally.. it's interesting.. videos like this about the U.S. always make me roll my eyes, but about India, I always get a little pulled in, even though I know it is..umm... let's see,how to say? designed to make us think a certain way... for example, this video, is all about technology, and shows how building huge fancy buildings and factories is the way to go. It's called "I am India"

...aur zindagi chal rahi hai

2007-02-04T22:33:00.000-05:00

(oh bla dee oh bla da, life goes on!)

well. I made it! I officially survived qualifying exams. I got a phd pass with one rewrite! WOW! I was so shocked reading it I could not believe it. I was so prepared to get a masters pass. No one seemed to feel I was capable! But hey, I did it. I am so excited. I have so many ideas for my research, and I applied for the academic year Hindi program... hopefully, I can do all that, finish my classes and do the research.

For my research, I want to write an ethnography. I want it to be a mixture of "academic" research AND applied research, bucking the norms of anthropology. The concept of academic vs. professional can be a theme to be challenged.

For the subject, I would like to do an ethnography of a small group of street children (or possibly children who beg, though the two may overlap) in an urban setting. I am thinking of Reddy's 'With Respect to Sex' as a sort of example for a well-written ethnography, she made contact with a certain group of hijras, got to know them, and then was able to enter and understand their world in a new way... I have looked up information on works on street children in India. I have found a few sociology pieces on the "problems" with street children, but I didn't find anything in the way of ethnographic research.

That's why I could see this project as two pieces. First, it could be a straight up culture-of-street-children piece, meant to see the world through their daily experience. Second, this could a.) provide valuable information for those trying to work with/reach street children and/or b.) could involve working with children who are in contact with organizations, and examining how this interaction is changing/affecting their lives.

Additionally, perhaps studying others views of street children, their reactions and views about them, could prove an interesting aspect..but that would probably be going overboard on one research project. Mostly I would want to pick a group of street children living in a close-group in a specific location, that hopefully have had or have ongoing contact with some sort of organization designed to help "improve" their lives in someway. So I could understand their lives and ways of living, and how that intersects with the organizations.

Ok, ok. I'm being repetitve now. I'm just excited by my ideas. I hear there may be IRB, etc issues with working with or studying children, but I guess I will just have to inquire to that and find out.

So that means, for remaining time in grad school I need to a.) do this Hindi program and become as good in Hindi as I can, b.) take classes that incorporate public affairs so I can learn about NGOs, etc for my eventual goal of establishing and NGO c.) take as many applied anthro courses as I can, and start working with and in between the "academic" side and "professional" side. and d.) defy all the norms, and challenge all the assumptions about what it means to be an anthropologist!

WHOO. It's a long days work.

ACCESS

2006-12-18T18:04:00.000-05:00

So I have formulated this idea for an NGO. I thought about it awhile ago and today I was inspired to write the more practical side of things. I have yet to take any courses on NGOs and non-profits, but I hope to in the future. The following is the rough outline of what I hope would all one day be part of the NGO, as well as the physical space it would entail and the aprox. number of employees for each sector. I have a feeling it would start small, maybe just as the access advocacy, and then over time we would be able to expand into the whole thing. I would love feedback, comments, ideas, concerns, things I have assumed, left out, etc. I am hoping to work on this project with some people with various skill backgrounds in the future.

This the first draft, so please don't mind any typos at this time...

ACCESS

The ACCESS Organization is a non-governmental organization that will address the problem of poverty, unemployment, lack of education, and homelessness for families in the urban environment.

Its’ approach is holistic, tackling the issue from all sides, including acting as advocates for the families in finding resources, helping families in dire need with the safety of a home and basic needs while helping them create a better future, providing educational opportunities including a crèche/preschool, a place for school aged children that have not yet been to school to prepare and gain skills, and a library, open to the public that promotes literacy and access to books, computers, and homework help.

The goal of the program is to holistically address these issues, help the families utilize what is available to them, and create a safe and steady present and a more promising future for the families we work this.

Programs:

1. Access Advocacy

ACCESS would be the biggest part of our organization, and would be open to the public- with a focus on aiding those who have trouble navigating the system and finding help. We would act as a point of access, enabling families to find resources to reach their goals.

GOALS:

1. To connect families to various services. This will involve meeting with the family, discussing options, and connecting the organizations that meet their needs. Organizations could include: schools, educational scholarships, skill building programs, adult literacy programs, housing programs, employment opportunities (see 4), utilizing government programs available, and so forth.

2. To organize and monitor organizations (NGOs, nonprofits, Governmental Programs, etc) which offer various services. Programs will be examined, and files created and kept detailing their work. Files will also be kept on how families referred from us felt about the organization, if it was helpful, etc.

3. To aid families in filling our forms and collecting various pieces of information that may be needed to meet their needs. This could include filling out government forms, scholarships, job applications, etc. Additionally, a place for each family to safely store important documents will be made available

4. (Possible addition) Records kept of relevant job opportunities. Our organization would review each workplace offered to us, making sure those offering jobs are honest, and do not maltreat their workers. We would follow up with those hired, making sure they were being treated well, given the wage promised, etc.

PHYSICAL SPACE:

The ACCESS unit would need rooms for meeting with families, a file system (computer and paper (if needed) to record and maintain information. It would also need safe dry waterproof containers for families to safely deposit important records they need to maintain.

EMPLOYEES NEEDED:

We would need employees with a vast knowledge base of the programs to meet with families, discuss options and find organizations, which will help them. Additionally, they would need to help families to fill out forms, applications, and so forth. Employees would also be needed to go to various organizations, find out their willingness to be added to the ACCESS network, maintain contact with them, and help review their services. The number of employees would vary once need is determined. (3+)

2. Crisis Center

The family crisis center would consist of four small family homes on the premises with simple but safe facilities. Each family would receive individualized care and services with the goal of helping them gain steady employment, education, and a safe place to live. This program is designed to aid individual families, slowly, with the ultimate goal of the family creating a foothold and moving out of the center when they are ready.

GOALS:

1. To find families living on the street, and bring them to our temporary shelter.

2. Help family meet basics (housing, food, health care, clothing) and feel secure. Find out family’s story and their goals.

3. Find appropriate ways of aiding family in improving situation. This may include: helping find employment, improving skill base, literacy training, securing housing,

4. As needed, allow family members to take advantage of our other services while living in the center and after leaving. Programs include crèche/pre-school, ‘catch-up’ school, adult literacy program, ACCESS Program, and so forth.

PHYSICAL SPACE:

The family crisis center would consist of 4 small family home units consisting of kitchen, bathroom, sleeping room(s) and verandah. Each unit would have running water, a water filter, fans, coolers, electricity, and basic furniture. (More personalized items would be provided to each family as needed). The homes would open into a large courtyard with grass, trees, and a vegetable garden. The homes would be located on the same land as the other programs, allowing families staying in the homes to utilize them as needed.

EMPLOYEES:

The center would involve working with employees in all other programs. Additionally, there would be a counselor provided specifically for these families to speak with them regularly and help them determine and plan their goals, explain the center and so forth. This counselor would also be involved in checking the family into the center. A ‘scout’ would be needed to go to where families are living on the streets, meet with them and gain their trust, and then aid families who wish to come to the program. Eventually this person may be hired from a former family who stayed in the center. For the homes, a person to be in charge of general upkeep and repair of the homes, cleaning between families, and keeping the courtyard in proper order would be necessary. A night watch person would be needed to maintain safety of premises during night hours. A local doctor would be hired to provide families with medical care upon move in. (It would be determined whether or not a full-time doctor would be needed, or whether one with a nearby practice would have enough time to spend with the families)(4-5)

3. Educational Programs.

Education Programs for children at ACCESS would consist of a few different programs: first a crèche/pre-school for young children where they can play and gain a foundation for skills needed in school while their parents are working, a “Catch-up” school for school aged children who had not yet been to school but would like to go. This school would give consist of a high student-teacher ratio and help the children make gains in basics such as literacy, math, etc before being placed into a school program. Lastly, our program would house a small public child-friendly library where children would have access to books, computers, and a study room where tutors would be available to help with homework questions. Programs such as story time, computer classes would help children gain skills in various areas. This library will also have materials available for adults.

GOALS:

1. The crèche/pre-school attempts to address three problems at once: parents who must work but have no one to take care of their young children, parents who work and must keep older children out of school to care for younger ones, and exposure to school environment, literacy skills etc in preparation for school years.

2. The “Catch-up” school will give school-aged children who have not yet had a chance to attend school the opportunity to be exposed to and learn many skills to enable them to be placed in a school setting. The environment will be child-friendly, and allow the children to explore the school setting and gain the necessary skills to continue their education.

3. The library will give children access to books, programs, computers (for educational purposes), a safe and quiet place to study, and tutor help if needed, to help them make gains in their education. In these ways, the library will continue to encourage literacy and skill building outside of the classroom setting, and will allow any child to access its programs. The library can also foster community involvement by creating clubs for children to make an impact on their communities. Clubs such as one on the environment or social justice could make an impact on the community and teach the children that they can make a difference.

PHYSICAL SPACE:

The crèche/pre-school would involve a baby area for young babies, including cribs for napping. The area for toddlers to preschool age would be an open room with various age-appropriate toys and activities. A small kitchen would be attached and allow for meal preparation for the children, as well as a bathroom as needed for the children. The rooms would open onto the main courtyard, where the children can play safely on age-appropriate playground equipment.

The catch-up school would involve a room with large tables where children can work on projects. The room would be child-friendly, and contain various games, books, etc for working with the children. A Chalkboard would be situated at one end of the room.

A girls and boys bathroom would be available for the children. A separate bathroom would be available for employees.

The library would consist of a large children’s room lined with books, tables in the center for studying, a desk area for librarian and tutor, and a designated computer area. A corner would be designated for story time. An additional room would house adult books of a wide variety. A public set of bathrooms would be available.

EMPLOYEES:

The crèche/preschool would need appropriately trained persons/teachers to work with the infants and toddler children. Additionally, older students such as college students may be employed part-time as aides to the main teachers. (3+)

The catch-up school would require well-trained teachers to work with students in a non-formal schooling environment. The number of teachers should be high, depending on the number of students. (1+)

The library would require a librarian, a head-tutor, as well as some younger (high-school or college students) part time tutors to help during after school hours. Additionally, a person well versed in computers to teach computer literacy and keep computers updated and working properly. (4+)

Club leaders could be volunteers from the community.

Additionally, Hindi-speaking (or Hindi-learning) volunteers from outside that are trained/training in education or have experience working with children may come for periods of time to work with any of these three programs. (?)

4. Skill Building

The Skill Building program aimed at adults that will offer a variety of opportunities that can lead to gaining employment, gaining better employment, improving their situation, or navigating the urban environment. It will include a variety of programs, depending on need, and will always include basic literacy programs for adults. This program would work with the adult family members living in the crisis home as well as adults from outside interested in the programs being offered.

GOALS:

1.To allow adults to gain basic literacy skills so they can better navigate their environment and their workplace.

2. To give adults a chance to learn various skills to help them gain employment or improve their employment situation. This may include programs on starting a small business, learning math for work environment, handicraft skills, carpentry, sewing, and so forth. These programs would be offered to coincide with interests and concerns of adults interested.

3. Offering programs for adults that aim to improve family situations such as creating a family vegetable garden in a small space, nutrition for the family, family planning, domestic violence, health care, saving money, navigating banks, etc.

PHYSICAL SPACE:

The adult programs may use other spaces such as the “catch-up” school or library for evening classes. If the program necessitates daytime classes, a single multi-purpose room may be needed. A storage area would be needed for the materials needed for specific skill building, such as sewing machines, tools, etc.

EMPLOYEES:

Various skilled persons may be employed for different programs and projects. One adult would be employed regularly to teach night literacy classes. Volunteers may also be a viable option for this program (1+)

...about you

2006-12-17T22:29:00.000-05:00

I keep looking through my blog and wondering who is reading my blog. I usually get a couple of comments, but mainly from people I FORCE to read my blogs (aka friends and family). I was just wondering.. DO other people read my blog? Does anyone read it regularly? This remains a mystery. Maybe I don't want to know the answer.

*BUT* if YOU do read my blog (which I guess if you are reading this right now, then, you must, presumably be reading my blog) I want you to send me a comment... Tell me who you are, and if you have a blog, so I can check yours out too.

So, yeah. YOU. I wanna know.

Yes, it does affect me!

2006-12-03T12:29:00.000-05:00

I just had a interesting chat with a friend that helped me realize why I get so annoyed with things like strippers, pornography, etc. Even something as innocent as strippers at a bachelor's party still makes me sigh and wonder why guys think its cool. For a long time I really couldn't explain what about it still causes me much chagrin and irritation, but today I realized that my biggest annoyance is that as a women, any of this affects me.

How do strippers at a far away bachelor party affect me? Well. I realized that it creates a situation where men who normal feel women should be treated with respect and as an equal suddenly have an exception to the rule. Women should be treated as equals unless they fill certain categories- such as strippers, porn stars, prostitutes, etc. And while many guys who would consider seeing a stripper at a bar or a friend's bachelor party may never consider visiting a prostitute, they are still putting themselves in situations where women CAN be treated as not equals. And if women are equal and should have all the same rights as a man, should there be situations when they are actually not equals? It seems like that undermines the struggle for equality on so many levels. "women are only equals if..."

I have an excellent example of such a case as well. A couple of months ago I went to fellow graduate student's party. A few nights earlier, a large group of the guys at this party had gone to a strip club together in Syracuse. Later during the party, one guy, a law student at Syracuse University (I wish I could remember his name so I could embarrass him properly, in case some girl with a crush decided to google him) was standing with a group of his law student buddies. I walked by and the guy shouted to me "HEY! Can I lick your Pussy?" in astonishment to such a comment I just say "what?!?!?" and then his friends, laughing repeated it "He said he wants to lick your pussy." More Laughter. I am dumbstruck. Didn't know how to response. Uttered something rude and stalked off. I told the host of the party, the friend who invited me, about the incident.

He reacted. He exclaimed about the rudeness, the immaturity of the guy. I told some other friends too. I can't remember who, but someone exclaimed "what, does he think this is a strip club? Is this a frat house? Does he think he can talk to a woman like that here (at a grad school party)?" I kept thinking about how this comment disturbed me at the time... and now it is just so clear to me. The idea is not that you should NEVER yell "can I lick your pussy" to a woman, its just you can only yell it to certain KINDS of women, ones that are unequal to you, like strippers, drunk girls at frat houses, etc.

So, yes, it does affect me. It affects all women. When women are equal to men, except certain ones in certain situations, it undermines that we are equal at all. And when that happens, all of a sudden "highly educated" people think its ok to yell crude things at any woman in any situation. It bleeds out. Shouldn't equality exist everywhere for every human?

Street Children

2006-12-01T18:06:00.000-05:00

Can you imagine walking down the street everyday, seeing small children in tattered clothes curled up sleeping on the sidewalk, or keeping stride with you, tapping your arm, crying "I'm hungry I'm hungry!" In many countries, this is a regular occurrence, so much so that people tend to ignore the child completely.

When I was young, maybe around 6 or 7, my family was visiting friends in California and decided to go to Mexico for the day. I don't remember what we did in Mexico but at the way home we got stuck at the border because a US Drug officer was murdered. (Of course, no one told me why at the time) I just spent my time sitting in the back of the four-door car peering out the window as we sat in a line of traffic. The only thing I remember from that trip was looking out and seeing a little girl about my age carrying jewelry, in tattered clothes, going from car to car trying to sell pieces to tourists waiting. I remember looking at her with my six year old eyes, and thinking "She is just a kid like me. Why is she out there, and why am I in here?"

That question has always stayed with me. On my many trips to India I have taught extremely poor, low caste girls in Bihar, played and taught art to former street children living in a group home in Mumbai. Each time I was able to interact with some amazing, bright, playful, and affection children, all of whom left an important impression on me.

One day in Jaipur my friends and I were waiting at a circle for a bus to Delhi. A little girl with beautiful dark skin, white teeth and two little braids sticking up came running up to me. She was wearing a tattered green skirt, and was barefoot and without a shirt. She smiled at me, and started asking "shampoo? shampoo?" while making hair washing motions. Many other little kids came running up, and I began to ask them their names and other questions. I decided to get them some food and their was a lassi shop nearby so I bought them lassi's (yogurt drink). The first little girl that came up to me told me her name was Meera. She was very talkative and helped introduce the other kids. In the end she asked again if she could have some shampoo. I explained that I didn't have any with me.

I still think of her, and wondered what happened to her. I'm not sure, but her mom may have also been living on that street corner with her. Other times I passed through that bus stand I looked for her, but she was never there.

I wish I could have done more for her. I wish there was more help to kids and their families living on the streets. Living in such dire poverty kids have no access to soap and water, let alone an education. If they live with their parents they are barely scraping by, and many have to beg just to eat.

That's what I keep thinking about lately. In India there are so many street children, and so many families living on the street. They often are migrants from villages, unable to make it at home and hoping for a better chance in the city, they often are illiterate or have very little education, and have no access to any knowledge or connections to get ahead.

When I finish graduate school, I dream of starting an NGO specifically focused on aiding children and their families in these kinds of difficult situations. I want to work as a link in the chain, to create points of access for these families to have a chance to get ahead. For their kids to be educated, for parents and future generations to gain skills and find a job, to find safe housing and clean water. Things any family wants.

Lately I have been coming across some interesting NGOs which work with street children in this way, such as http://i-indiaonline.com/home2.htm with works with kids in Jaipur. It has open air schools, a "school on wheels" a "shower bus" for kids to shower, and homes for kids with no where else to go.

Today I also looked at a photo journal on BBC (http://i-indiaonline.com/home2.htm) regarding street children in Bangladesh. I found it extremely interesting how they empowered a girl who had been a street child herself to work as a counselor and advocate for other street kids, teaching them.

If anyone knows of any other organizations doing these kinds of things in India, I would love to hear about them. I have some ideas about what my NGO would involve, but also I want to see what and how other working organizations are doing as of yet. Also, suggestions and comments always appreciated.

(The picture at top is one I took in Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon) Vietnam of a little girl of maybe three or four who followed us for blocks trying to see us Wrigley's chewing gum. The second picture is three of my students in Bihar, all from extremely poor families. At bottom are some boys at the home for street children in Mumbai, acting silly for the camera.)

Grad School: Not What I Expected

2006-11-15T21:59:00.000-05:00

When I decided to go to graduate school, I had an idea in my head. I had (have) a passion for the cultures of India, for Indian language, and I wanted (want) to learn as much as I can. I want to be able to read a variety of books, take language courses, have intense and exciting debates and discussions with my colleagues, be able to converse and learn from my mentors in a community environment. When I went to to grad school, I was not thinking about pieces of paper or degrees. I was thinking about the chance to be in a community of people who were as interested in India as me, who got excited about culture, who wanted to learn languages. That was my goal, my goal was greater knowledge, a community of learners, not a piece of paper.

I am now in my second year of grad school, and reality is a far cry from my dreams of passionate learning. I cannot recall the last time I had a good discussion with anyone in my department about anything related to India, culture, or language. Discussion revolve around passing the qualifying exams, navigating professors, and weaseling your way to that Ph.D. We learn to "trust no one", play your cards right, and never reveal too much to anyone, hence they use it against you. Professors are not mentors, but an opposing chess team. You have to make the right moves, or you are out of the game. And once you begin to lose, you cannot redeem yourself. There is no learning process, you are seen as a static piece, a plastic pawn.

The only discussions I have about culture are with drunk people at parties. The only time I can discuss anthropology or theory (safely) is in the confines of my own home. Class discussion is not for learning or synthesis, it is for proving to the professor that you already know the "right" answer. And if you don't know the "right" answer, better not speak at all, because then you will soon be in check-mate, a lost cause in the graduate world.

Some may argue life is a game. Getting a job, for example, is all about playing the right cards. But one would think that Anthropologists, those who study culture and all it contains (ahem, as in everything) would be able to identify the structure of power and prestige the institute creates and understand it for what it is. But, that too is not the case. Professors gladly feed off the power they receive, and while students not wishing to be academics are looked down upon, they themselves seem to have little passion or interest in teaching. Rather, it is about proving their importance, their chance at the top after jumping through the hoops we go through now.

It reminds me a lot of the concept of the "Mother-in-Law" in Indian joint families. She was treated badly as a new daughter-in-law, so once she is old enough to have a daughter-in-law, its now her turn to torment someone else. Regardless of whether it is necessary or improves the situate, it continues to be done. It seems that how professors view their new lot. We must jump and dance, suffer what they suffered, prove ourselves through arduous quests and conquest. Only then are we true "academics". And to be an anthropologist, of course you MUST be an "academic".

So where to go and what to do? I began school with a passion and a love for learning more. I was excited and ready to read and discuss. But early on, I suppose, I made the wrong move, I showed the wrong cards. First and foremost, I was told that I "laugh too much". I didn't know laughing was a crime. This ruined my "Professional" appearance. I didn't know I couldn't be myself. And to make things Worse, I actually TOLD a professor that I was having a hard time in their class, and needed suggestions for catching up on material I had not yet been exposed to. This was the end for me. I was soon told I would be recommended for the "Masters" Program by the same professor. This may sound like a compliment, but if one knows about the world of graduate school, they know differently. If you are recommended for such a thing, this means that you are not seen as worthy of "Ph.D." work, you are lowly, you can't think properly, write well, or possibly last to write a dissertation. This is the way out. You are in check.

Mind you, this was decided about me perhaps after a month or so of grad school. I was already in check. And so began the end. As one professor talked with another, and down the line, I suddenly heard my name and "masters program" together. My funding disappeared. My fate is sealed. All before I even knew anyone professor well enough to trust and speak with them. And once you know that you are viewed negatively, as "hopeless" then well, what more can you do but try to protect the dignity you have left? At this point I am trying to preserve what I have, to hang on, and leave. I am afraid to make any moves at all. I am in check. One move and I could be check-mate.

It's amazing how knowing that others have already made negative judgments about you (and without even knowing you in any sense) can effect your success. Compare the opinions of me as a grad student to one in any other environment. I took Hindi in India this summer. Not only did my teachers enjoy that I "laugh too much" but I was actually taken aside and complimented. These teachers got a chance to know me, and came to see me as "someone who studies and works with a passion and happiness" that they found refreshing. The head teacher told me this. He informed me that all the teachers in the program had excellent things to say about me, and found the (happy, smiling) way I go about the world refreshing.

At work I have been complimented for being an excellent worker, for being able to complete my tasks fast and well, and so forth. Granted, by job is not rocket science, but all the same, my co-workers can see that I am hard-working and respect them.

Switch back to my life as a graduate student. None of my professors, not even my advisors seem interesting in conversing with me for longer than 5 minutes, they are too busy. I doubt any one knows basic things about me. I have never had a chance to have an intellectual discussion. I am seen as "unprofessional". I "laugh too much" (I didn't know enjoying life was a crime), and I apparently present some odd appearance to them. I feel like, if only they got to know and see the real me, to get past their assumptions about "graduate students" and what they should be, that maybe they could see I have potential. Maybe I am different, maybe I present myself in a different way. But I don't see anything wrong with laughing, or being passionate about what I study. I believe that helps me, not acts as a detriment to my education.

When I came to grad school, I didn't know what to expect. Since then I have learned a great deal in terms of learning about theories, organizing and writing, and so forth. I see much progress in my work. But still I am seen as exactly the same person as when I entered grad school. I am seen as someone who doesn't exist. The person they think constructed through their assumptions and cultural expectations, but never really got to know.

I don't buy into their system, I'm not here to play chess. I am here to learn. Maybe I don't conform to their rules about what a "graduate student" should think, feel, act, and say, but I have never conformed. It's not my way. And I don't see it as a negative. It's what makes me who I am.

I will get as much as I can out of here, in the time I have left. I may have no funding. I may be "master tracked" already, prejudged and sent down the line, but I won't let it stop me. My goal was to learn about what I am passionate about. That's still my plan. In whatever time I have left, that's what I'll do. I'm just not going to play chess.

just another day

2006-10-15T01:20:00.000-04:00

sitting around the house. Another saturday finished off... another week of work-class-homework to begin. i feel such a detachment from this place. Just want to get it overwith. I barely try to hang out with the few friends I have, prefering to stay indoors, reading or making myself new recipes. Alas. I don't know. I don't feel invested enough to try. A friend I had last year and I don't talk anymore. It's too bad, but I feel like it's not my fault. I feel like I only did what was fair. What else can I do?

Last night I went to a Garba (learning) night. It was really fun and I wish I could dance more often.. maybe take lessons... it would be fun.

My mom and sister visited last weekend. I was so excited for them to come.. but when they got here I got all grumpy and snappy. I don't know what my deal is...

What else? My week is basically working, class, reading, and watching one of my 5 tv channels. Weekends are usually doing the dishes i didnt do during the week, laundry, and homework. Sometime I go out for a bit, but I don't feel much like partying, and less like drinking. Then I have to watch the drunk people. They are somewhat amusing, and somewhat.. well... like that guy at the party before.. a disgusting guy....

nothing else much here...

pictures to share

2006-09-25T17:50:00.000-04:00

Here are some pictures of India I thought I would share:

pigs runing about in Jaipur

Beautiful flowers in the hills of Jaipur

A Jaipur Fort

Roof of a Jaipur Fort

Next to the Taj Mahal.. the signs of tourism?

A boy watching his herd of Buffalo

Bras drying on a fence in the hillstation of Shimla

New Study Shows America Causes Depression

2006-09-25T17:34:00.000-04:00

Ever wonder why so many people in America have depression? I always did. So.. I did a little study. Trucked my arse off to India for three months. Sure, I was terribly sick with a baterial infection for a month. Sure it was blazing hot. But all in all, I was all smiles. OK. not ALL smiles, but I certainly was only unhappy for true real reasons. To follow up in this noted happiness, I trucked my arse BACK to the US (central NY.. oh dear).

Promptly, I noticed a lack of sunshine, and cold, rainy, dreary days., as well as a noticable lack of people. With that, a meloncholy began to grow inside me, and as now become what I call a full-blown "funk". In truth, things aren't incredibly different on the surface.. I am studying in both places, have friends, collegues, and roommates. Here I have my nice pets. So... what is the difference?

Maybe it's the soil, the air quality, or the lack of sunshine? Maybe it's the quiet isolation of the American world. ..or maybe it's just this country in general. This explains all of the depression and [over]medication going around this place. So, the conclusion of the study is that America causes depression. Perscription: move far far away.

far, far away

(and if you take this too seriously i'll smack you!)

ode to a squat toilet

2006-06-21T02:06:00.000-04:00

Jaipur is a very nice place, as long as you avoid the midday dhoop (sunshine). Dhoop is talked about like a snowstorm.. or rain.... "we shouldn't go out yet, there is dhoop"... it's best to do things in the morning and evening and hide inside somewhere during the strong dhoop. We have had two rain storms.. both beautiful, with strong winds, pouring rain, and even a bit hail. These storms cool down the world immediately. Delicious. The dhoop is not so bothersome after it rains... atleast for that day.

I am with a fellow AIIS participant staying at the Bhargava household, run by mom, who cooks cooks cooks. Dad goes out to work. Priyanka, 24, loves painting, embroidery, and other craftsy things. Shashank, 20, is studying hotel management and works all day until late at a hotel, where he met John Abraham the other night. John wanted chai. Our room is pink, with molding, two desks with beautiful cloth on them, and a happy, clean bathroom with sailboat tiles. The bathroom, like most indian bathrooms, has its oddities. If you turn on the left nozzle for the shower, the sink turns on.

But alas, the most trouble for us Americans is the squat toilet. At first, we regarded the squat toilet as a challenge... we felt we could do it.. we just needed to get more flexibility and muscle strength and we could beat the squat toilet into submission. This of course, did not happen. The squat toilet fought back. It won. As you squat, peeing, you realize.. pee is splashing everywhere... now... why would I want to pee in a way that causes urine to spatter on my feet and pants when I know I can pee differently and deposit said liquid solely in the toilet? A question to be mulled over. And secondly.. crapping onto he toilet.. well.. I have to hold onto the wall behind me.. and it just takes too long.. my arm gets tired, my legs get tired. I think back fondly to my western toilet, where I can sit relaxed, take my time, and even read a book. Not the case with the squat toilet... no amount of relaxation came to me squatting, only the fear I would fall over half way through.

The squat toilet.. we ask... what good do you bring us? Why use a squat toilet? What benefits does it bring. So, its true, I could not conquer the squat toilet, so I just sat down.

Mumbai Ahmi Style

2006-06-06T16:17:00.000-04:00

So I am heading out of Bombay tomorrow. Got in on June 5th. Been here a couple of days, have had a great time hanging out with my good friend Nikhit, his awesome cousin Riya, and his bro Vinit. My luggage was left in Paris.. so I got to buy my self some new clothes, always exciting. Finally retrieved my luggage tonight after a long but fun day in downtown. YAY! deodorant!

It's starting the monsoon season, but just has rained a bit off and on, nothing torrential. Also we say X-Men 3 today, very good. What else? I don't know. Having a lot of fun here. Nikhit has a wonderful family, and I am sad to be leaving so soon- but, ONWARD-HO to Delhi. Tomorrow my flight goes, and I will be met by Disha's very good friend Su and taken to her hostel.. Then on the 8th we will meet Disha at the airport, and I will go meet her family.

Alrightie! I better be off and stop hogging the computer. More soon.

V.I.P. Frenchie

2006-05-23T21:58:00.000-04:00

oh. frenchies.

prr prrrr prrrrrrr CHOMP

2006-05-19T11:22:00.000-04:00

Dear world,

Can someone please tell me what happened to my cat? Yes, he has always been a friendly, talkative type of kitty. But the past few days..... well... he is in overdrive. Follwoing me from room to room. Standing in front of my keyboard trying to LICK me while I type. Meowing. Meowing. Meowing. Coming outside when I walk the dog. Coming back inside when I finish walking the dog. Everywhere I go, his little kitty bell is tinkling as he follows me. When I am just sitting here, he will come up, and quietly put his paws on my arms, staring into my eyes. Begging to be pet. and pet somemore. I had to cut his nails just because when he put his paws oh so gently on me, his little nails still managed to jab me.

Why oh why has my kitty gone mad? His love is just too instense. How shall I manage?

While we are on the topic of love...

2006-05-18T13:21:00.000-04:00

How is it that I just discovered this song?

Bob Marley- Is this Love?

I wanna love you and treat you right;
I wanna love you every day and every night:
Well be together with a roof right over our heads;
Well share the shelter of my single bed;
Well share the same room, yeah! - for jah provide the bread.
Is this love - is this love - is this love -
Is this love that Im feelin?
Is this love - is this love - is this love -
Is this love that Im feelin?
I wanna know - wanna know - wanna know now!
I got to know - got to know - got to know now!

I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i - Im willing and able,
So I throw my cards on your table!
I wanna love you - I wanna love and treat - love and treat you right;
I wanna love you every day and every night:
Well be together, yeah! - with a roof right over our heads;
Well share the shelter, yeah, oh now! - of my single bed;
Well share the same room, yeah! - for jah provide the bread.

Is this love - is this love - is this love -
Is this love that Im feelin?
Is this love - is this love - is this love -
Is this love that Im feelin?
Wo-o-o-oah! oh yes, I know; yes, I know - yes, I know now!
Yes, I know; yes, I know - yes, I know now!

I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i - Im willing and able,
So I throw my cards on your table!
See: I wanna love ya, I wanna love and treat ya -
Love and treat ya right.
I wanna love you every day and every night:
Well be together, with a roof right over our heads!
Well share the shelter of my single bed;
Well share the same room, yeah! jah provide the bread.
Well share the shelter of my single bed - /fadeout/

Love

2006-05-17T19:40:00.000-04:00

So, since I don't have any, I keep thinking about love lately.

And I was having 'profound ' thoughts, for me atleast. Love is two things. One thing is, love is that feeling, the giddy, going down a rollercoaster can't stop thinking about someone thing. The thing where you want to be around them all the time.

But it's something else too. It's a choice. You have to choose to love someone. To follow up with the feeling. If both people don't have both things.. Then it is nothing. The giddy feeling, without the choice to be with someone.. Is just a shallow feeling. The choice without the feeling is just a farce.

But also, that choice, the person has to know what they are choosing. That is why I am always a strong believer that one cannot truly know what love is until they have been hurt. When you make the choice to love someone, REALLY knowing how much pain it can cause you, and deciding that it is worth it anyways. That is really love. The feeling, the choice, and the knowledge of what pain you can receive from it. That is all part of love.

It's no wonder so many people avoid it ...

SPCA response

2006-03-29T11:34:00.000-05:00

So I got my SPCA response today, and I am feel like it is a cop out. Maybe. I mean... is leaving two dangerous animals chained to falling apart cars in a backyard fills with trash, feces, and broken stuff in the rain, night, cold, heat, etc legally ok? Additionally, is allowing your agressive pets to often get lose, who then attack nieghborhood dogs and try to attack people legally ok? Is every once and a while leaving the dogs in the basement for 2-3 weeks at a time NEVER taking them out legally acceptable?

If these things are all legally acceptable that makes me upset. I mean, not only were these dogs obviously suffering, but their agressive nature and insecure chains ALSO put everyone in danger, and when not in danger, in constant fear of the dogs gettings lose. For months I couldnt even park my car in my own driveway because the dog would be lunging on its chain, snapping and growling at me from about 10 feet away. Any time at all, the dog could pull its chain lose, and bam. And when the other dog (the non-people attacking one) got lose and attacked Murray because I was letting him pee in my own yard (this was before I knew how often they got lose) the owner said "Well you were antagonizing my dog by having your dog in the backyard." MY backyard.

So Anyways, here is the letter. I am still deciding how I feel about it.

Hi Lindsey,

I am so sorry for not responding to your email sooner as I have been having all kinds of problems with my email (and I'm not even sure you will get this). Regarding the pit bulls that were taken from 174 Fellow Ave while we did respond to any calls we received about them, there were no violations of law at that time that would allow us to seize the animals. As you can imagine this can be very frustrating.

As yourself, we had no way of knowing at that time that the dogs would later be abandoned, left in the basement. Please know that had we had enough evidence prior to this, we would have acted accordingly.

Sincerely,

Betsie

Syracuse, Dogs, and the SPCA

2006-03-24T13:52:00.000-05:00

So the neighbor I life in in Syracuse is decent, friendly neighbors, working class, and what not. Except since I moved in the neighbors on our right were, well...... Not so good. They had two pitbull mixes tied up in their backyard to a derelict car. They had random bicycle halves and broken furniture strewn about. They had random shady types coming in and out of the house all the time. In the fall, when we kept out windows open, we could hear them screaming obscenities at their children. We could hear grandma yelling at her son to go buy the kids food, there wasn't any and they were hungry. Sometimes the parents would get in long, loud arguments through the night, screaming at each other about drug use.

I felt bad for the situation, felt bad for the family, felt especially bad for the poor kids, and the dogs chained up. As badly as I felt for the dogs, I was also terrified of them. Being chained up in a yard, not trained, not socialized, can do something to a dog, and these dogs were mean. Ever once and a while one or the other dogs would get lose. Once the brown dog got lose and ran around my house. Another time, the black dog got lose and tried to attack my roommate. Luckily he was building a bookshelf at the time, and had a big board, which he waved menacingly at the dog and kept it off him. Then one day the brown dog got lose while I was walking my small 15 lb mutt in my backyard. It attacked him. I swung him in the air on his leash and grabbed him. The dog was still trying to get him.... So with quick thinking, I saw the kitchen window was open and shoved my little dog through, saving him. Luckily the brown dog was not so interested in attacking me at the time.

Since I had moved in, I had called the SPCA in CNY a lot of times, and emailed them, telling them of the dogs neglect, how they also kept getting lose, and this was especially dangerous since our homes are across from a middle school. Even through all of this, I heard very little to nothing back from the SPCA. I also called animal control after the dog attacked mine. Still the dogs remained there. Outside, tied up with garbage strewn around them, no place to sleep, rain or shine.

Every once and while, the owners would put them in their basement and leave them down their for a few weeks. I saw the guy walking the dog about 3 times, in 7 months. Other than that, they would get thrown some food, and then ignored. Finally, recently, these neighbors left. I let out a sigh of relief. No more being woken up in the night by yelling, no more loud loud music played in cars outside my bedroom window at 8 in the morning. No more pitfalls. They were gone too. Or so I thought.

Every once and awhile, the old neighbors would stop by in their van, stay for a bit and then leave. Since no one told me anything regarding the house, I didn't know they weren't supposed to be there. My other neighbors became suspicious that maybe the dogs were still there, but we couldn't tell.

Then one night, the cops came. Discovered the old residents were using the empty house as a crack/whore house. Great. Wonderful. Additionally, it was mentioned (by word of mouth to me) that the dogs had been found in the basement and were brought to the SPCA. Well FINALLY, I thought.

Just now, today, I heard more of the story. Apparently, the house is in foreclosure. So the bank owns it. They had some guys there today cleaning out the stuff from the house. I talked to them, and they told me that when these dogs were found, almost dead.

It made me so angry. I called and emailed the SPCA a million times. My neighbor also did. Why was nothing done until the dogs had to suffer so much, for so long? The one thing I felt I could do to help this bad situation next door was to alteast get this innocent (and aggressive only due to the owners) dogs out of this place. But no. Nothing was done until the dogs were DYING. It pisses me off. So I wrote the SPCA this letter today:

To Whom it May Concern:

I am writing because I have just found out some more of the story regarding the pitbulls at *** _______ Ave. As a neighbor who moved in in late August, I have called the SPCA many times, and emailed as well regarding the neglect of the those dogs. Many times I was told by your people that you would be looking into it. I never saw any consequences, and eventually, the owners moved out. Unbeknownst to me, they left the dogs in the basement. When the foreclosure company came to clean the house out, they found the dogs starving to death in the basement. I was told that then the SPCA finally came and took them. It really saddens me to hear that even though I have been contacting you with concerns about these dogs treatment in the past 8 months, nothing was done until after the dogs were forced to suffer these cruel, inhumane treatment as they slowly and quietly were starving in the basement. I am really upset that these dogs were not taken out of this situation earlier, preventing them from suffering from this further cruel treatment, when I, as well as my upstairs neighbors, had contacted you repeatedly regarding the dogs.

It really breaks my heart to think this dogs were mistreated for so long, and even with my and my neighbors emails and phone calls to you, that this still happened to these dogs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways, I will give you updates, I am curious to see how they respond. Tell me what you think.

that fresh bleaching

2006-03-09T00:22:00.000-05:00

my room mate spent a good part of the evening whitening her teeth. then she drank pepsi. (or coke, how do i know?)

BBay part cricket

2006-03-08T22:41:00.000-05:00

So i keep meaning to write more about my bombay trip, and I keep forgetting. Now I decided I will comment some on my time visiting with da boyz.

The second week I was in Mumbai, I volunteered a couple hours a day at a home run by nuns for street kids. The one I visited housed 20 boys. At first, I was totally nervous, because I never consider myself to be "good" working with boys, but rather assume I am good working with girls. This experience proved my assumptions wrong. Sure, the boys were a little rowdy from time to time, but they were great! I brought Uno and another game to teach them, and we spent some time sketching, making masks, and (I think it may have been the winner) making puppets! When not being artsy inside, I would go with them to the park and they would teach me how to play. I was taught the basics of cricket (well of batting) and played badminton and also the youngest boy Akash tried to teach me everyday how to properly spin tops. These tops are the cool kind that you wrap a piece of string around and then have to fling. Many of the boys can do awesome tricks with their tops, like fling them into the air and catch them (still spinning) in the palm of their hand. I, on the other hand, only managed to get the top to spin around a bit a few times, after many intense lessons from Akash, who was NOT going to give up on my lack of top-spinning skills.

Also, Akash really liked to take my hand and take me around. On the first day I was their, another boy sat down next to me, and just looked at me smiling. All of these boys were so sweet.

The nuns told me a bit about the home. They told me how all of these boys were found in places like train stations on their own. Slowly, volunteers would get to know them, find out why they were there, where their parents were (if they had them)and then would eventually invite them to come stay at this home (if they desired). At the home, they would get a chance to go to school, a warm, comfy place to stay, three meals a day, tutoring and homework help, and so forth. There was a guy who grew up at the home, now grown, with a good education and a job, who came and visited all the time.

In addition to the many kids found on the streets, some where orphans, like my Akash (oh how I wanted to steal him and his brother and take them home with me!) and another boy Kapil, who was found abandoned as a baby. He lived his toddler years elsewhere, then was moved to this home. Everyone described him as "a little off in the head" and upon meeting him I absolutely loved him! He is "a little off" (I don't know how) but he is also sweet, loving, engages with people, loves to play creatively, and talkative. He is around 8 (I would guess) and does not yet know how to read and write, but I noticed the other boys don't let him do a lot of stuff either (I was letting him glue his own mask, but the other boys got upset that he was smushing the glue stick). He also was extremely good at following directions even when he was not happy about them. He asked if he could go to the park to play with the other boys, and the head nun told him no because he has "fits" sometimes and she doesn't want him to fall down and get hurt (She didn't explain this any further to me). And he looked sad but then quickly found an indoor game to busy himself. Also all the other boys love him. Everyone always makes sure to show him affection by giving him a hug, greeting him, or giving him a pat on the back. The head nun told me they are trying to get him adopted by an American Family... But I don't know the details.

Another sweet boy was Gopala. He is missing his leg from a little below his knee down. My "interpreter" (another sweetie, a bit older, who loved to play sports in the park with me) told me "Gopala got run over by a train. That's why his leg is gone. He gets sad about that" Gopala has a fake leg thing, but it doesn't work too well. He is not allowed to go play in the park either. He can be very quiet, and keeps himself away from the other boys a lot. Once his leg (which has weird scars) touched somebody else and the kick smacked him. He started crying, and I went and sat by him. He said he was crying coz it hurt him, but I wonder if it was really because the boy said his leg was so gross, rather than being hit.

Anyways, each boy has his own story, and they were all such great kids. I really enjoyed doing art with them and playing with them.

Front left is Kapil, next is my lovely interpreter, two over is Akash, one row up (behind Kapil) is Gopala. Unfortunately, since I was there such a short time, I didn't get a chance to learn all their names, but I remember each one and special things about each of them anyways!

what can i say?

2006-02-28T21:24:00.000-05:00

usually, i try, try try to understand people's point of view, where they are coming from, and why they believe what they do. usually i am very tolerant, so forth so forth. but there is one thing i can never ever budge on. why? because it is part of me. this opinion in life is part of me. i can't let it go. i am not good at tolerating the opposite in people that are close to me. what is this opinion?

it's about our dear friend pornography. to me porn lies in the category of "grossly perpetuating viewing women as sexual objects for men's pleasure". yes. that is true. argue you with me. but, if, maybe. but still. i will not budge. this opinion is part of me. it runs through my blood. if i let it out it will leave an angry splatter of words that usually i would be able to keep to myself, were it about something else.

honestly. i can't deal. it makes me angry. like wanting to throw stuff. breakable stuff. it makes me want to cry. it also makes me want to scream, denounce humanity, and hide in a cave for eternity. i'm not arguing that other stuff that perpetuating women (or men, in some cases) as objects doesn't exist. it does. it exists. it's a shame, too. but this. this. porn. porn is like... the lowest of the low. well, besides maybe rape, pedophila, and so forth. i guess we will say the lowest of the low for a person not criminal/mental enough to commit said other crimes. and yet, so many people just participate in it anyways.

but honestly. it is one thing i cannot bend on. why? because i can't. why can't i? because it is a strong belief. for me, this is one thing where there is no compromise.

in general, i am an accomodator, a peace maker, a back patter. this is very uncharacteristic for me. that's why, i guess, it can be understood to be so important to me. again and again i have to go through this argument. again and again. it is tiring. it is old. i am sick of it. why can't a woman's perspective on women's bodies be taken seriously?

What ever happened to.....

2006-02-09T16:16:00.000-05:00

Tonya Harding? I never would have thought about it, but today I was procrastinating and looking at wikipedia sites about figure skating, when I ran across a link to a page about her. We all remember her, the kinda white trashy figure skater whose boyfriend tried to wack Nancy Kerrigan? (in the leg). Well, here is your answer folks:

No joke.

Bbay Part do deux dos

2006-02-08T19:52:00.000-05:00

December 30, 2005 7:10 Mumbai time:

The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is open the curtain and observe The Morning Walk. My bedroom window looks out over the wall of the society, below are parked cars, being wiped down. Most are small- Maruti, Honda, Hyundai, and most, interestingly, silver. Over the wall is a park.

It consists of some dry grass and dirt patches where boys play football in the evenings, some large trees covered in the dust of India that covers everything except during the Monsoon, and new, tiny trees protected by metal cages. On my far left, near the entrance is a playground, painted yellow. The one time I entered the park, I saw a blanket there, tied under the slide like a hammock. Curious, I peered inside. A baby, wiggled about, and entertained itself. The baby's mother was sweeping the pathway, at the other end. I stopped, watching a moment. A feeling came over me, like I had walked into someone's house, intruding on their daily routine. I quietly slipped out the gate. The woman continued to sweep.

Around the periphery lies a pink pathway made out of pavers, with another path bisecting the rectangular/oval path. Padding along this small oval are the Morning Walkers. Old men with pot bellies under their shirts, thick glasses, capri pants, striped socks and sneakers are walking. Middle-aged women in sari and sweater, with sneakers are walking, some with sari-end pinned over their head. Women who remind me of my mom- dressed in a 'nice' shirt, capris, and sneakers. Young people, in jeans, shirt, with headphones attached to their Mp3 players.

Around, and around, and around, each one passing by my window ever couple of minutes. No one notices me, peering down. So every morning, I open my curtain, and laughter escapes, involuntarily. The joy of the Morning Walk.

Oh Shit, they found me!

2006-01-22T13:10:00.000-05:00

So I was bored and took this Enneagram test, which is supposed to tell your your personality type. Not only did it tell me. but described me exactly. Freaky. Really. I mean. Everything it says. Shit, man, shit:

The Helper (the Two)

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

* Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
* Share fun times with me.
* Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
* Let me know that I am important and special to you.
* Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships
* Reassure me that I am intersting to you.
* Reassure me often that you love me.
* Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Two

* being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
* knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
* being generous, caring, and warm
* being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
* being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Two

* not being able to say no
* having low self-esteem
* feeling drained from overdoing for others
* not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
* criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
* being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
* working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Twos as Children Often

* are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
* try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
* are outwardly compliant
* are popular or try to be popular with other children
* act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
* are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)

Twos as Parents

* are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
* are often playful with their children
* wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
* can become fiercely protective

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

BBay is the place to be!

2006-01-20T19:41:00.000-05:00

So I spent two weeks in Mumbai (or Bombay, or Bbay, if you are THAT cool) over break, from December 27, 2005-January 11, 2006.

I decided, last time I left India, that I would go back during my Christmas break from grad school if I had the money. Why Mumbai, you ask? Well, last time I went to India, I spent 2 1/2 months in rural (when I mean rural, I mean RURAL, I mean, no running water or electricity) Bihar, which was a wonderful experience. (And no, I didn't get mugged, conned or raped, contrary to popular opinion of Bihar).

I have some friends from India, all of whom were shocked that I went to Bihar, and began to describe the virtues of the metropolii of India, especially Bombay. So I thought, hell, why not go check this shit out? So I found myself a flat online, in a suburb called Andheri West, booked myself a cheap plane ticket (mera pita Delta ke liye pilot the), packed my tiny rolling suitcase full of books (and clothes, I guess) and off I flew. (oh I had to get a visa too , of course. but that was not rather painful, since it was my third for india, I think they don't care anymore).

It's interesting that I flew Alone, because I am not an Alone kind of person. But I am an India person, and it's not very easy to convince your friends to take an impromtu trip to India without so much in the way of plans, hence I had to deal with Alone, so I could get my India fix.

So.

Off I went. Flying into Bombay at night, my good friend, who is from BBay, picked me up and drove me to my flat. I briefly met Jyoti, the caretaker of the flat while the owner is visiting her daughter in the US. I checked out the flat...

Marble floors, in a "society" complex. There was a pool in the middle of the complex (which remained empty the whole time I was there). This flat consisted of 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a kitchen, and a living room. Quite swanky, in a place like BBay which is horribly expensive. I was told this flat cost 52 lakhs to buy (more than 100,000 $) but I was only playing $150 for my two week stay.

This is the kitchen....

This is my bedroom (socks on the floor)

Anyways, so, after taking it all in, I tried to sleep.

Phantom Pirate Ghost Cat

2005-12-01T12:51:00.000-05:00

So my cat snoop is very talkative. He meows for everything. He meows when he sees you. He meows for food. He meows for you to open the door.

The last couple of days I thought I heard meowing, and I kept thinking it was snoop, meowing from afar, but instead I would find him curled up in a ball sleeping. It was such a quiet meowing, I thought maybe it was just a trick, so I didn't think of it, until it happened a couple times. By then I was sure snoop wasn't meowing. Curious. Still I didn't trouble myself too much, until last night I heard it again, and snoop was definately sleeping right in front of me, not meowing. I asked my roomie Ayca and she said she had been hearing the meowing too. Both of us had been thinking, maybe we just THINK we are hearing meowing, so neither of us investigated.

Last night, snoop was down in the basement playing (a terribly dingy dirty nasty place that he loves for some reason). He came up and pushed the back door open, and I happened to see him. As snoop galloped in, in his cheerful kitty manner, I glimpsed him! The phanton pirate ghost cat! He was gray and white and had a very innocent look on his face. When I went to see closer, he had vanished.

This only meant one thing. I had to get my flashlight and go explore the terribly dingy dirty nasty place called the basement. So, down I went, wearing flip flops with my socks to protect my feet from the filth. As I went down, snoop ran by, and ran around the basement in attempt to thwart me, and keep me off the trail of the phantom pirate ghost cat. After searching each and every corner, AHA! glowing kitty eyes next to the furnace. There he was! gray and white, looking somewhat confused, the phantom pirate ghost cat was found! I began to inch towards him, to ascertain his friendliness, and poof, he disapeared again. No matter how hard I searched, I could not find my phantom friend.

Now, you may be wondering, how did a phantom pirate ghost cat get into my basement in the first place? Since we have moved in, snoop has known some secret kitty entrance to the basement from outside. This entrance, is in fact, a one-way door only. Once in the basement, kitties cannot return outdoors. Snoop would then have to come up to the backdoor and demand me to let him into the house. So snoop's normal pattern would be: I let him out the front door, he goes out and plays, then he comes in through the one-way secret kitty door, rolls around in the terribly dingy dirty nasty place called the basement before meowing at the backdoor to come in.

So there are a few scenarios as to how the phantom pirate ghost cat got into the basement:

1. Snoop kidnapped him and shoved him into the one-way secret kitty door to trap him in the terribly dingy dirty nasty place called the basement where he planed to starve him and make a gray-and-white-cat-skin suit for himself.

2. Snoop wanted to initiate his new neighbor kitty friends into his fetish for the terribly dingy dirty nasty place called the basement.

3. Snoop is really secretly gay, but has not come out to me yet, and this was a secret lover's rendez-vous gone wrong. (And I do wonder after his close friendship with Tito in Boston.)

Regardless of how the phantom pirate ghost cat got INTO my basment, I now had to get him OUT. Seening as how he seemed rather slippery in nature, as well as being a phanton, a pirate, and a ghost, I thought it may be a difficult task to complete. So I went with the most simple plan: I left the door to outside open. Now, if I were a phantom pirate ghost cat, I would waver on the idea of venturing out, as to the cold enironment awaiting him, but also be excited to escape the clutches of snoop, whatever his intentions, to head home for a nice warm bed, a littler box to pee in, and some food to fill the belly.

An hour later, I went back down to see if the phanton pirate ghost cat had indeed taken his leave. I searched the basement, and did not find him, so I hope he has choosen to depart. Yet, we must remember that he IS a phantom ghost pirate, and may well be hiding, lurking, waiting..... indeed, we shall see.

Marshmallow and Yam

2005-11-30T09:26:00.000-05:00

Bush, like all our presidents, is a big fan of turkeys. He likes them so much he pardons them from his thanksgiving table (though he undoubtably ate some other turkeys instead) and sent them to Disneyland. Good job Bush. Send the turkeys to Disneyland. send the troops to Iraq, and keep the war on. Good choice. Pardon the turkeys.

officious seeing eye bitch

2005-11-29T01:33:00.000-05:00

I wish you only knew how good it is to see you.

2005-11-27T12:55:00.000-05:00

I went up to Maine for thanksgiving, and brought Santhosh and Disha to experience a lovely 'traditional' american thanksgiving. We also went and say a movie at the Music Hall in Portsmouth called "Everything is Illuminated" which was excellant. Also,I got to stop by and see Abby in Portsmouth. She is working at a cool art store where I bought a wooden posable figure for drawing. She showed me her pictures from France when she travelled around with her lovely boyfriend, looks like she had so much fun.

We also stopped in Boston on the way back and we had lunch with Wendy and Varun. It was great seeing them. The whole time i was in Boston I had this huge smile on my face. It was amazing to see everyone, and to see my city. I would have loved to stop and stay awhile, maybe I can go back soon.

Thought Process

2005-11-03T23:58:00.000-05:00

I am listening to some music. I have tomorrow off from school, because of Eid. My school is awesome, we get all sorts of holidays off. But it also drives me insane when it CLOSES all the F_ING parking down because of a football game. You don't even want to see how angry I get about it. Livid. Livid. We all know how I feel about sports anyways, and then, I can't go to my GENDER CONFERENCE because of a football game? Way too angry. Isn't a university supposed to... encourage learning? Stupid People.

What else? I had an interesting Halloween,(as you can see jamie and anna dressed as soap and bath pouff and me and the dish on diwali) and did stuff on Diwali. I am really missing Boston though. Being able to joke with my friends. Have fun times. I want to go visit my friends in Boston this weekend, with all my free days, but I have to write research proposal. OOOOOOh BOSTON how I miss you. Oh friends: Wendy, Jason, Cassie, Elliot, Mike, Scott, Jon, Liz, Katie, Brad, Ko, Abby, Varun, Barry, JessO, Kelly, all of oldschool JP, I Miss You.

Ambulance

2005-11-03T23:53:00.000-05:00

Your slim frame
Your eager eyes and your wild mane
Oh they keep me where I belong
All wrapped up in wrong

You’re to blame
For wasted words of sad refrain
Oh let them take me where they may
Believe me when I say

I will be your accident if you will be my ambulance
And I will be your screech and crash if you will be my crutch and cast
And I will be your one more time if you will be my one last chance
oh fall for me

Your slim frame
Your simple stare and your wrong, wrong name
Oh they keep me where I belong
All strung out in song

Why so tame
We could shoot wilder vines
Through younger veins
Sip slow from night’s deep wells
And watch our gardens swell
Once the seeds are sown
Wild and overgrown, you’ll see
Heart's colors changed like leaves

Oh sweet sweet tree
Fall for me
Fall fast, fall free, fall for me

Because I will be your ambulance if you will be my accident
And I will be your screech and crash if you will be my crutch and cast
And I will be your one more time if you will be my one last chance

Oh sweet tree, fall with me
Fall fast, fall free, fall with me


TV on the Radio~ "Ambulance"

blogs.

2005-10-18T00:05:00.000-04:00

yay blogs. here i am. blogging is thrilling or something. who knows. I'm listening to Nuttin' But Stringz right now. really great hip hop violin duo. you should check it out sometime.

anyways, i guess that's all for now.